Saturday, October 16, 2010

Saturday 9: Spooky

Saturday 9: Spooky

1. Does anything about Halloween “spook” you? Clowns. Of course clowns spook me out on a normal day too, so I'm not sure if that counts or not.

2. What is the favorite costume you have ever worn for Halloween? The 1950's Poodle skirt outfit my mom made for me when I was about 10 or 12 years-old. She made the pink skirt with the black poodle for me. I had the shirt with the "bobby socks" and saddle shoes. We pulled my hair up into a pony tail (nothing all that new for me then or now to be honest with you) and I was a very convincing 1950's girl.

3. What is your favorite thing about Halloween? Candy

4. What one topic is (or was) the most painful to discuss with your parents? Why? Every topic that has never been broached with them - such as every time I was abused, misused or assaulted. Of which they don't know about most of them, either because I didn't tell them or because they ignored the signs because it was easier for them.

5. What was the happiest day of your life? Do you think you'll ever top it? I don't know that I've had one happiest day of my life. I've had many happy days but none that stand out or jump out as "this was the happiest day of my life".

6. What animal would you like to be able to communicate with? All of them.

7. In what way do you come nearest to perfection (as you define it)? I will never come close to perfection as I define it. I am a perfectionist and I have OCD pretty severe. Perfection is not in the cards for me. It simply is not anything close to attainable.

8. Do you have any recurring nightmares? I have more recurring nightmares than I can count. Some are based on fact. Some simply have terrifying people from my past in them. Either way, they all revolve around my PTSD and cause me to wake in a cold sweat with a migraine.

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be and why? I would make my mother more involved. My father less afraid of me and what others would think of me being a daddy's girl, since again mom was self-absorbed and neglectful, once I hit puberty. I would get them both to leave the cult year before my little brother ever came along because it effected me too. I would make them both more perceptive and less concerned with what people would think if they took me to a child psychologist. I would make them believe me when I went to them about the abuse and molestation. And those are just for a start...

Friday, October 15, 2010


I am an emotional disaster lately. I don't think I've ever been this full of rage and angry at the world. It's almost painful. Everything is painful. My dreams are an odd respite from life, even though they are about pregnancy. First, I dreamed of pregnant animals, cats and dogs, and kittens. Now I'm dreaming of being pregnant myself, which has been a physical impossibility since I had a tubal in March 2010. The tubal makes waking from these dreams that much more painful. I'm asleep just long enough to find out I'm pregnant, in whatever bizarre context I happen to be dreaming of at the moment. Just long enough to get excited about the new life growing and changing within me.

Then I wake up.

Waking up is devastating. Crushing. I am not pregnant. My womb is empty. My heart is wounded, again.

So, what little sleep I've managed to get, is useless because in waking I feel as if I've never slept. Which just leads itself in making my already unstable and slightly disasterous emotional state just that much more so.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Emotional roller coaster

I have been so very angry and full of rage at the entire world lately. For no reason and every reason all at once.

My hormones are screwed up all to Hell and back. I've got PMS for two-and-a-half weeks before every period. Then my periods are anywhere between two and ten days long, which gives me a week (if I'm lucky) before it starts all over again. For that reason alone, it takes very little to set me off (way or another - angry, sobbing etc) these days.

Then you add to that, as if it weren't enough, the migraines, which leave my head throbbing and my nerves raw. The PTSD nightmares, which either rob me or interrupt what precious little sleep I manage to get. Or the fibromyalgia flares. Then when you add the stress, forget about it.
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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wishcasting Wednesday

This week's Wishcasting Wednesday question is: What do you wish for less of?

Jamie always seems to pick wishcasting questions that are perfectly in synch with my life!

I wish for less drama!

My drama. My parents' drama. My family's drama. Alex's drama. His family's drama. Drama from the boys. My life is positively oozing drama at the moment and nothing would make me happier than for it to ease up or go away altogether. My migraines, Fibromyalgia, arthritis and whatnot are made so much worse by drama.

So please, wish that I have less drama in my life!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


This, my dear friends and followers, is 
★★★Mr. Andrew Lee Potts!★★★

You may know him from the SyFy mini-series Alice this past 2009 Christmas Season. He's played in a whole slew of other movies, television shows and mini-series; although admittedly most of them were for British viewing. Anywho, I just find him absolutely adorable and yummy, especially in the final scene from Alice. I would post the clip but for those of you who haven't seen it yet, well, I don't want to ruin it for you.

Alice & Hatter almost kiss!
But he's just...oh, so yummy in that scene! He reminds me of that feeling when you first fall in love with someone. You know the one I'm talking about, where your stomach drops into your feet while your heart jumps into your throat. You aren't quite sure if you want to giggle or vomit. And all is right with the world because seriously, how could anything be wrong with this "warm, fuzzy feeling"? ♥swoon♥ 

Ah, j'adore!

Oh, fiddlesticks! I want to show the final scene. If you want to see the mini-series in its entirety, don't watch. If you have never before had the pleasure of watching Andrew Lee Potts works before, by all means, please watch. Just try not to drool too much now. ;)

Now...why don't we take a look at that scene? =)

Okay, so there were a few technical difficulties in showing just the clip of Alice and Hatter kissing at the end of Alice. I could find it all over the stinking place on YouTube but because the posters had posted it in it's entirety without any editing at all they had to disable embedding and sharing because of copyright infringement laws. So, what I have decided to do instead is show you the scene along with some other scenes from the movie that have been artistically arranged in a sort of music video/montage. Just think of it this way, it's that much more of Andrew Lee Potts for your viewing pleasure. =)
Andrew Lee Potts as Hatter in Alice.

Again I say...♥swoon♥!

Should you join me in my adoration of Andrew Lee Potts, here are some web sites you might enjoy. Lord knows I do. =)

Andrew Lee Potts on IMDB Check out this page if you want to see his entire resume - including films, television shows, mini-series, directoral debuts, etc.

Adoring Andrew Lee Potts I don't know much about this page except for the fact that it is dedicated to all things Andrew Lee Potts. It has pictures, icons for messenger programs, movie clips, etc.

I hope you enjoyed this little break from our regularly scheduled blogging.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Wow, long time no see!

I haven't posted in months and I apologize for that. At the time, back in January, I had toyed with the idea of discontinuing this blog. And as you can see, I basically did discontinue it for 6 months or so. Now, I'm not so sure what I want to do with it. I feel compelled to reopen it because there is simply so much going on - within my life, my heart and my heart - that I need to purge. I need some place safe and while my main blog is read by wonderfully loving and understanding people, I'm worried that my ex-husband may be one of them. Not to mention the fact that there are simply some things I need to share and get off my chest (again) that I would rather not share with my husband. It isn't like I'm cheating or even have a crush on anyone (aside from the occasional celebrity lol) but sometimes I have dreams or nightmares that I'd rather not share. Or there are the rare times when I have thoughts or feelings, which I'd rather keep away from him. And so, once again, I find myself here. My blogging home away from home.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sunday Stealing #4: The Negativity Meme

Foods which disgust the crap out of me: Oysters

TV show I loathe: Little Bear, Max & Ruby

Movie I loathe: Planet of the Apes (old version or newer version - any version)

Music genres I loathe: Hard, heavy rock excluding Metallica

Magazine which annoys me: GQ

Makes me cranky at restaurant:

Makes me cranky in public: People who feel they have the right to discipline perfect strangers' children. The nerve!

Makes me cranky in general: Ignorance and liars

Pisses me off at home: Endless housework

Pisses me off at work: Writer's block

Pisses me off in general: Manipulation

Makes me impatient at home: My limitations

Makes me impatient at work: My limitations (ah the joys of working from home)

Makes me impatient in public: Rude people

Celebrity I hate: Mark Wahlberg (ick ick super ick ew!)

Music artist I hate: Hard, heavy rock excluding Metallica

I could care less about: I could care less about a lot of things because I care about a lot of things and people. Now I couldN'T care less about my neighbor's feelings when they lose their Section 8 Housing Assistance for threatening Cookie Monster, assaulting Pruny etc.

Annoys the crap out of me weekdays: Mega meltdown mornings with Oatmeal Raisin.

Annoys the crap out of me weekends: Feeling lost and overwhelmed without anyone to turn to even though they offer to help when we don't need it.

Blogger's habit that annoys you: Attacking another blogger via comments without leaving a name, email address, website etc. It's spineless and disgusting.

Feature on your blog you hate: Just that I can't seem to get it setup and looking the way I want it. It doesn't feel right to me yet.

Movie star you despise: Mark Wahlberg (ick ick super ick ew!)

Politician that you hate: If there were still a CIA etc I would worry about them coming to get me. Since there isn't, I'm not worried about saying this...I can't stand President Obama. There is just something about him that drives me nuts. Of course, his policies - new, old, possibly - don't help endear him to my heart any either.

Six Word Saturday #5

My baby has lost his hearing.

I am simply beside myself. Absolutely devastated. I need something I can fight, yet there isn't anything available. I'm falling apart. The only thing I can think to do in an effort to help him is to learn American Sign Language. So I am throwing myself head first into learning that. I forsee many tests and doctors appointments. So I am also throwing myself head first into creating health logs for both Emmett John and Gavin. It's something I can do with my hands. Something I can create. Something with a purpose. Something besides waiting. And worrying. And completely freaking-out.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Saturday 9: #6 I Think We're Alone Now


1. What celebrity in a fantasy would you like to be alone with? Vincent D'Onfrio *yum* Christopher Meloni *double yum* (Notice a pattern here?

2. Have ever dated a good friend? I'm married to my best friend. Does that count?

3. What is the most embarrassing song that you like? At the moment, probably anything Miley Cyrus.

4. What is your favorite tear jerker movie? Steel Magnolias, Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood, the Princess and the Frog (I "ugly cried" at this movie.)

5. What about yourself makes you least secure? The unknown

6. Do you believe in destiny? It changes from day to day. Some days I believe in the clandestine "destiny is preordained and can't be changed too much" theory. Other days I believe in the "we make our own destiny" theory.

7. What 'issue' do you think your opinion is so right about that you end up trying to sway others to your point of view? Autism is not a curable "disease" like Jenny McCarthy seems to believe. It is a biological, neurological disorder. There are treatments that can make it either better or worse; however, there is not now nor has there ever been a cure. That woman just gets my panties in a bunch as I've already stated.

8. What are 5 things you don't care about?
  1. I don't care how much fat etc. is in my food or what else is in my food for that matter. I eat what sounds good, regardless of the rest of it.
  2. I don't care how much pain it might cause, how big an inconvience it may be for me to help someone else...I will do it. I help others at a sacrifice of self - always. It's the way I've always been.
  3. I don't care what the sacrifice is that I have to give for my children, I will give it. The come before me - always.
  4. I don't care what the reaction of my "neighbors" will be once they lose their Section 8 housing assistance for assaulting Pruny, threatening the life of Cookie Monster and the little Cookies, and terrorizing the neighborhood. They have egged houses, assaulted neighbors, slandered neighbors. (Did you know that Cookie Monster is a pedofile and I am horribly abusive to my babies!? He isn't but according to Beep-Beep {That's what Pruny and I call her because she used to turn tricks out of the house and her John's would "beep-beep" when they arrived.} he is. But that's all another post.) They need to go and I don't care that it will hurt when they do.
  5. I don't care that NTD had to give up custody of Oatmeal Raisin. I don't care that the Cow (NTD's mother) will never see, play head games with or abuse my little boy again. I don't care that they miss his Karate promotions, his report cards, and his Lego creations. I don't care that they hurt because I gave them 6 years to get their shit in gear to be a productive members of Oatmeal Raisin's life and they didn't want to be. So I don't care what they feel anymore because I tried.

9. Have you ever been in a situation where you weren't sure if you were seducing or being seduced? I'm sure I have. Can't think of it off the top of my head though.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Friday Fill-In #4


1. I have a chance to recover, if only you take the opportunities presented to you.
2. Inner growth starts right now!
3. There is a very real chance that I may snap from the stress but I'm not sure.
4. Put off what should be done now and pay later.
5. It's time to face reality.
6. Too bad reality is up in the air but I'm still being forced to live in it. I declare "Shenanigans!" 
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to trying to recover from this week, tomorrow my plans include therapy and grocery shopping and Sunday, I want to blog and catch up on blog-hopping that is long overdue!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Sunday Stealing #3: The Trivia About Me Meme



Do you get regular massages? I used to but not anymore. I miss them. =(

Do you have an answering machine? No need for one when you don't have a land line.

What cuss word do you use the most? Fuck

Are you underweight or overweight? Neither. I'm right where my doctors want me to be. It's about the only thing about my health they are happy with.

Can you see your veins? Some of them. I have great veins for getting IV's and taking blood, which works out well for me.


Soap? Irish Spring or something like that. I know it when I see it. 

Fruit? Bananas. Or kiwis. Or strawberries. No, no, no. I've got it! Concord grapes! Those are my absolute favorites.

Kind of red meat? I don't eat red meat. I'm in the process of weaning myself off meat and becoming a vegetarian. =)

Fish? Orange roughie or shrimp.

Candy bar? As long as it's chocolate, I'm not picky.

Have You Ever…

Eaten a whole bag of potato chips? Not a large, full-sized bag in one sitting, no. One of those small, lunch-sized bags in one sitting, yes.

Eaten lobster? Yes, I don't like it.

Climbed a mountain? No.

Been skydiving? No.

Been water skiing? No.

Do You…

Wish you could change something about your life? Things past and things current, yes.

Like your nose? Yes.

Like salt and vinegar chips? No.

Eat salsa? Yes.

Own a boat? No.

What Is…

A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences? Honestly, the very first thing that came to mind upon reading this was drunk driving. Far too many treat drunk driving as if it is a "small thing" and they let it slide when in fact it does actually have dire consequences.

Your most macho trait? I guess my most "macho" trait is the fact that I don't like to let bullshit slide and I tend to smack my nearest and dearest in the arms, chest and back when they are acting like jackasses while trying to getting away with bullshit.

The longest relationship you’ve ever had? My current relationship with Cookie Monster. We've been together nearly a decade and married 6 going on 7 years.

Your most embarrassing thoughts? Running away and changing my name.

Your most shameful moment? Not going to the Domestic Violence Shelter when I was living and married to NTD. I called them. They begged me to pack up Oatmeal Raisin and...move in, I guess. I declined. I didn't want them to know. I didn't want the people who specialize in helping victims of Domestic Violence to know what he and his family were doing to me. So I stayed. If I had gone, it may have changed the tone of the next decade (2000-2010) of my entire life.


Bath/Shower? Depends on the day, my mood and the reason/purpose

Markers/Crayons? Again, depends on the day, my mood and the reason/purpose
Pens/Pencils? See 2 previous answers =)

Jelly/Cream Cheese? Depends on what I'm eating Jelly is for either toast or bagels or english muffins but cream cheese is only for bagels, period.

Bagel/Toast? Usually bagels but sometimes toast


My greatest weakness is… my children, my husband, my friends/family & office supplies

I wish I was… healed, these open wounds are killing me slowly.

Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are… 1) give up my husband and children. 2) Remarry NTD. 3) Live through/"survive" more abuse of any type.

The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is… probably a penis. Seriously, is that what God intended us to do with it?!


Credit card you had? I can't remember the company but it was through my local mall. I think the company is closed now anyway.

Loan you got was for? Student loan - gotta love 'em.

Paycheck was for how much? Oh, hell if I know. It was part time as a General Service Representative at Fuddruckers (glorified name for a Table Busser) and I was 15 years old at the time so I can't imagine that I made very much. lol

Time you had stitches? After giving birth to an 8lb 15oz "sunny-side-up" 4 day overdue Oatmeal Raisin who ripped me open from one end to the other - 4th degree tears aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Time you went to the hospital for something? I was somewhere between newborn and 2 weeks old and running a fever of 103 - 104 degrees. That's all I know because I was living with my foster parents at the time.


List everything you ate in the last 24 hours? Coke, SubWay, chips, chocolate, Hostess chocolate cupcakes, Hostess Zingers

Last thing you used a credit card for? It's been years because we don't use credit cards for anything. Unless you count our debit/credit cards but those don't count in my book.

What was your job previous to the one you have now? I was an Administrative Assistant.

Last thing you celebrated? New Years.

Last time you were at a sports bar? Many, many moons ago.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Six Word Saturday #4

Traded my Wii for a Netbook. =)

Cookie Monster and his sister, Elizabeth, bought a Wii for me for Christmas thinking it would help with my Fibro. They also bought Wii Fit Plus with the Wii Fit Board thingie. Elizabeth is about to graduate with her Masters in Physical Therapy so she's all about trying to find ways to A) get me moving a little more and B) help me with my pain without making it worse. Well, the Wii was definitely A and in no way, shape or form B. So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for this! 

Isn't she beautiful? =)

Saturday 9: #5 When We Was Fab


1. Is there a blog as far as its appearance goes that you think is the most fabulous?

2. Do you like the look and the contents of your blogs? My blog is okay. I can't seem to get it "just right". There's still something missing. I just wish I could figure out what it was.

3. Have you ever thought what would happen to your blog in case you died? I can't say that I have. Although I will now. Thanks for that, Sam!

4. Has any particular blogger had a great impact on how you set up and write your blog? Jennifer over at BPD in OKC has had a great impact on the fact that I try to be as open and honest as possible. Many blogs have had an impact on the set up of my blog. Mainly because I "steal" things from blogs as I see them and try them out. If I like them, they stay. If I don't like them, I pitch 'em. As far as writing goes, I only know how to write like me. I tried to write a paper for a girl in high school once and make it sound more like her and less like me. I failed miserablly. She was busted and failed. The teacher later told me that she knew I had written it but couldn't prove it. She just knew my writing style well enough to know it was me. Oy. So I write what I know, me.

5. Would you want a fellow blogger to give you suggestions or criticism of what you write? Sure! Suggest. Critize. Whatever. The point of my blog is to release my demons but if I can help others while helping myself, great. And if someone else can help me become more effective in helping others through my writing etc, who am I to turn that help away? That would be foolish.

6. Is the number of visitors each day to your blog important to you? I'm not narcisstic by nature; however, the number of visitors I get each day is a nice little boost to my self esteem. I'm not going to lie, it's nice. So my life doesn't revolve around that number but it's nice to feel loved, ya know?

7. What percentage of your readers do you think actual comment? Not very many. Which stinks because I love get readers and comments alike.

8. Do you have a favorite blogger who does the memes that you participate in? Jennifer over at BPD in OKC does a few of them. I tend to do a lot of them because with the Cookies life gets pretty crazy, especially with all the appointments, so sometimes it's easiest to get my weekly purge out with the help of the Saturday 9 or the Friday Fill-In or Wednesday Wishcasting.

9. How often do you update your blog/site and why? I try to update without the help of a meme at least once a week. That doesn't always happen, of course. But I try.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Friday Fill-In #3


1. The lesson I learned yesterday was while I fought my ex and his family for the past decade to protect myself and my family from my ex what we won...was a lifetime of battles with Oatmeal Raisin. Battles that are the war each and every time. Battles that if lost, so is Oatmeal Raisin - maybe not physically anymore but mentally, physically or emotionally. I almost wish I'd lost.
2. Home where friends and family meet.
3. All these years I've fought and now I wonder if he'd have been better off had I given up.
4. The party started when I arrived. (Yeah, baby! lol)
5. The truth is I don't like large groups of people or parties.
6. Nothing is what I remember most from that day. Mainly because I try not to think about any of it too much.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching a weeks worth of recorded shows with Cookie Monster, tomorrow my plans include seeing my therapist and cleaning (woo hoo) and Sunday, I want to maybe visit the in-laws and prepare for another week of appointments with specialists and testing for Oatmeal Raisin and Snickerdoodle!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Sunday Stealing #2: Obsessions

Instructions: Answer the Current Obession category and then explain WHY you chose that response. Easy enough? Thanks as always for playing!

Book: the House of Night series, the Twilight series and the Harry Potter series ~ For the past 7 years I've read the Harry Potter series over and over again. Then for my 29th Jennie and Elle. So then I was reading the Twilight series repeatedly. Then while Christmas shopping with Alex I came across these books at Best Buy (of all places!) that just sort of sucked me in. I tried to ignore them because we were buying for the kids but I could only ignore them for so long. Then Alex was kind enough to buy the first 4 books in the series (there are 6 or 7 total in the series) and now I'm hooked. What can I say, I've got a weak spot for the paranormal. =)

Snack: Chocolate peanut butter ~ Alex shared this little discovery with me. It is amazing! I've been a huge fan of Nutella since I was about 11 or 12 but this is so different. It's kind of like a big group of Reese Peanut Butter Cups all mushed up and sold as Peanut Butter. Nothing short of amazing.

Restaurant: Fast food: SubWay Breakfast: IHOP Lunch: Panera Linner/Dinner: Applebees Hanging out/Munchies: Denny's ~ That's the complete list for any mood and/or occassion.

Beverage: Coke Cola ~ Hands down, with everything I drink Coke. It used to be Dr. Pepper and then it started to taste funny. Now it's Coke. It's always been Coke ever since I was a little kid. My mood will change for a while and I'll drink something else (like Dr. Pepper) for a little while but I always come back to Coke. I never ever drink straight Pepsi though - a Pepsi product like Dr. Pepper sure but never Pepsi, it's nasty.

Decor: No, thanks. ~ Surprisingly enough, as artsy as I am I'm really not that into decorating. That's Alex's thing. He decorates. I get to add some input, especially about paint colors and stuff like that, and we're all happier for it.

Actor: Vincent D'Onfrio ~ Yes, I've listed him before in other memes but he's just so yummy he's worth listing again. He's also looking hot and yummy to the left (to the left). =) Of course, Christopher Meloni (Law & Order: SVU - hot and hunky to the right) is pretty darn yummy all on his own too. Yes, I do have a thing for my Law & Order men. =)

Actress: Kate Hudson ~ I just think she's adorable. If I could scoop her up, put her in my pocket and feed her M&M's - I would. But I can't. That doesn't change the fact that I just love her and her work. "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" is one of my all time favorite movies, in fact.

Movie: Syfy's Alice ~ I've always been a huge fan of the books and the old school movies, especially the made of TV version from the early 80's. I recorded this version unsure if I would even like their take on the cherished tale. I don't like it. I LOVE IT!!!!! I cannot wait for it to come out on DVD and BlueRay so I can own it! I want to watch Hatter and Alice get together over and over again in the last 5 minutes of the movie. I just lurve this movie!!!!!!

TV show: iCarly ~ Yes, I'm aware that it's a kids' show on a kids' channel. Yes, I'm aware that I am very much not a kid. Do I care? Not particularly. I am currently hopelessly addicted to this show. It's my television "brain candy". It's cute and funny. The characters are witty and endearing. I even managed to get Alex hooked. (lol) And on Monday, January 18th Carly and Freddie will finally get together! I am so stinking excited I can't even tell you!!!!!!!

Hobby: Blogging ~ When I have more time on my hands I love to scrapbook, make greeting cards, draw, paint, and keep up with the Boys baby books (they each have 2). Right now, the easiest and most enjoyable hobby I have is blogging. I love setting up my blog. (I can't seem to get this setup quite right but I can't figure out what I don't like about it either.) I love the blogging process. I especially love making friends and connecting with others.

Band: The Beatles ~ They will always be my #1 band. Period.

Song: Mylie Cyrus's "The Climb" ~ Right now, this song really fits me and where I'm at in life. So it's my favorite. Tomorrow that may change, who knows. 

Meme: I love them all. ~ Although I must say that the people who participate in the Wednesday Wishcasting meme are really cool. But I love all my Meme Friends and all the memes I participate in, otherwise I wouldn't do them.

Blog: BPDinOKC ~ Jennifer's blog is what inspired me to start this blog. I love her honesty and how courageous she is to be so honest about what she's been through and how she feels.

Lover: Alex ~ I love him. And I'm rather attached to him after all these years. Plus since I'm into the whole monogamy thing, he's the only lover I want...well, the only one I'm ever going to want, really.

Friend: My older sister: Pruney, and one of my best friends (who's hubby is stationed in FL): Sassy ~ Both of these fine ladies have been super supportive of me during some of the darkest times of my life over the past few years. (I haven't known them my who life - either one of them, which is a long story.)

Quote: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." ~ At least that's what I used to believe and live by, before. Before I was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder that nothing helps. Before working to make the "suffering optional" became a trigger to make the pain just that much worse and oh so not worth it. I still love the quote and live by it when possible. I just recognize that it isn't always possible.

Peeve: Ignorance ~ I can't stand ignorant people. It drives me crazy. There isn't an excuse for ignorance, for one thing. If you don't know about something, go look it up. Between the library and the internet, there truly isn't an excuse not to know.

Sport: To play: Gymnastics (once upon a time) To watch: Gymnastics & Volleyball ~ I was involved in gymnastics for 8 years. It was some of the best years of my life. My teammates were cool. The meets were nice. But I loved the sport most of all. I loved the feeling of "flying" when I would do my fly-away dismount on the bars. I've never felt as graceful as I did performing my routine on the beam. Gymnastics just seemed to complete a part of me. Until I blew out my left knee during my floor routine at a meet, then I was done. My knee is still messed up. I need to have knee replacement surgery on both knees at some point in the future. But those 8 years were definitely worth it.

Singer: Christina Aguilera ~ I love her music. Especially her songs on her "Stripped" album, they just speak to me. A lot of them feel like they were written for me or about me. It uncanny. I've loved her music since she first came out and "Genie in a Bottle" used to calm AJ down because it was popular when I was pregnant with him so once he was born it was comforting to him. Now she's a source of inspiration for me.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Friday Fill-In #2

1. There are places within my soul, even I don't know what secrets are hidden there.
2. The winds of change will blow those clouds away.
3. Standing in the ocean of pain, trying to survive the salt water in my open wounds.
4. Boy. Oh boy. Oh friggin' oh boy.
5. He went out tiger hunting and came home with a hephalump.
6. I wish more than anything that I could stop my mind from wandering.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not being narcoleptic and correcting some blog posts while watching "our shows" with tAlex, tomorrow my plans include double checking my blogs and participating in the Friday Fill-In (a day late) 6 Word Saturday and Saturday 9 and Sunday, I want to participate in the Sunday Stealing meme and hopefully I'll reach the end of the firbo flare from hell!

Six Word Saturday #3

Freezing snow outside, SweetPea won't poop!

It's been hoovering around 0 degrees and below around my neck of the woods this week. Between the temps and the snow and ice combo outside, SweetPea will not poop outside! Period. He refuses. I can take him outside. Freeze my butt off. Watch him freeze and shiver to the point where he appears to be having full-body seizures while he attempts to walk/hop through 4-8 inches of snow. His body is ready to poop. He starts to poop...then he sucks it back in his body! So of course, once he's back in the house and warm...he poops.

I can't wait for slightly warmer weather.

Saturday 9: #4 Call Me

1. Who is someone that phones you routinely that you never seem to be up to talk to, but you are not ready to push them out of your life? This person used to be Bonnie. She would call and spew her drama and useless "medical diagnosis" at me while she denied my real world from a medical doctor diagnosis. She would refuse to follow AJ's rules and guidelines. Tell him I abused him. And generally just cause me stress and unwanted drama, as of September/October 2009 she has been *pushed*. Now I am least Bonnie-drama-free anyway.

2. What is something that effects you deeply, to your core, no matter your mood or what else is going on in your life? AJ. No matter what kind of day I am having. No matter how good or how bad. He has the power to kill it in one fowl swoop. Likewise (but very very very rarely) he has the power to make my day when all is right with the world and the stars in the heavens align.

3. Tell us of something that relaxes you and always makes you happy. A massage from an actual massage therapist who is skilled in giving massages to Fibro patients. *ah heaven*

4. If you could take the train from anywhere to anywhere, where would 'anywhere' be? Anywhere = Ireland (always)

5. If you could look into the future, how far down the road would you like to see? 10 years? 100 years? A million? 10 years - I need to know that we are going to be okay. That Alex and I are going to find a way to make it through. That Wyatt and Cooper are going to come through to the other side unscathed by everything AJ has going on. That all 3 of them are going to come through to the other side unscathed by everything I have going on in my head and everything I'm trying to work through.

6. Did you do your shopping online for this Christmas, how did it go? Did things come in on time? Any significant failures? ...and if you didn't, will you consider trying online shopping sometime this year? I shop online every once in a great while. Usually only from and usually only if I have a gift certificate.

7. What people or projects are worth your time, money or effort? People: Friends and family are always worth my time, money and effort. I will go to the ends of the Earth for them. Projects: I have adult ADHD so I tend to start projects that don't get finished. If it's for someone, it's worth it. If I really like it, it's worth it. If it's just plain interesting enough to hold my attention for more than five seconds, it's worth it.

8. Think back when you were in high school. Are you proud of the way you dressed, or do you wish you could go back and change it all? I'm proud of the way I dressed. I was true to myself, which is all I wanted out of me and the high school experience.

9. Do any of your friends, family or co-workers know about your blogs? For those that do, did you tell them or have they stumbled upon it by themselves? Alex knows about my blog. Sassy, one of my nearest and dearest friends also knows about my blog. Aside from them a few people I seem to have picked up along the way know about it but that's it.

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This blog contains my inner most thoughts on all things in my life, my heart and head. It is my goal to someday purge my soul of all the stains and heal the wounds I've been carrying with me for nearly my entire life.

There will be times when I will discuss triggering topics. If these will be difficult for you, I want you be warned now and not blindsided later.