I am an emotional disaster lately. I don't think I've ever been this full of rage and angry at the world. It's almost painful. Everything is painful. My dreams are an odd respite from life, even though they are about pregnancy. First, I dreamed of pregnant animals, cats and dogs, and kittens. Now I'm dreaming of being pregnant myself, which has been a physical impossibility since I had a tubal in March 2010. The tubal makes waking from these dreams that much more painful. I'm asleep just long enough to find out I'm pregnant, in whatever bizarre context I happen to be dreaming of at the moment. Just long enough to get excited about the new life growing and changing within me.
Then I wake up.
Waking up is devastating. Crushing. I am not pregnant. My womb is empty. My heart is wounded, again.
So, what little sleep I've managed to get, is useless because in waking I feel as if I've never slept. Which just leads itself in making my already unstable and slightly disasterous emotional state just that much more so.
This blog contains my inner most thoughts on all things in my life, my heart and head. It is my goal to someday purge my soul of all the stains and heal the wounds I've been carrying with me for nearly my entire life.
There will be times when I will discuss triggering topics. If these will be difficult for you, I want you be warned now and not blindsided later.
I am a survivor, or so I'm told. This is where I come to tell my story. Dymphna is not the name given to me by my mother, but it is the name I have taken as my own to use during my "healing". The things I need to share, do not belong in my "real" life at least not now. So I will write them down and leave them here. Someday, perhaps I will share them with my family and friends. That day is not now.