Disaster

I am an emotional disaster lately. I don't think I've ever been this full of rage and angry at the world. It's almost painful. Everything is painful. My dreams are an odd respite from life, even though they are about pregnancy. First, I dreamed of pregnant animals, cats and dogs, and kittens. Now I'm dreaming of being pregnant myself, which has been a physical impossibility since I had a tubal in March 2010. The tubal makes waking from these dreams that much more painful. I'm asleep just long enough to find out I'm pregnant, in whatever bizarre context I happen to be dreaming of at the moment. Just long enough to get excited about the new life growing and changing within me.

Then I wake up.

Waking up is devastating. Crushing. I am not pregnant. My womb is empty. My heart is wounded, again.

So, what little sleep I've managed to get, is useless because in waking I feel as if I've never slept. Which just leads itself in making my already unstable and slightly disasterous emotional state just that much more so.