Saturday 9: Spooky

Saturday 9: Spooky

1. Does anything about Halloween “spook” you? Clowns. Of course clowns spook me out on a normal day too, so I'm not sure if that counts or not.

2. What is the favorite costume you have ever worn for Halloween? The 1950's Poodle skirt outfit my mom made for me when I was about 10 or 12 years-old. She made the pink skirt with the black poodle for me. I had the shirt with the "bobby socks" and saddle shoes. We pulled my hair up into a pony tail (nothing all that new for me then or now to be honest with you) and I was a very convincing 1950's girl.

3. What is your favorite thing about Halloween? Candy

4. What one topic is (or was) the most painful to discuss with your parents? Why? Every topic that has never been broached with them - such as every time I was abused, misused or assaulted. Of which they don't know about most of them, either because I didn't tell them or because they ignored the signs because it was easier for them.

5. What was the happiest day of your life? Do you think you'll ever top it? I don't know that I've had one happiest day of my life. I've had many happy days but none that stand out or jump out as "this was the happiest day of my life".

6. What animal would you like to be able to communicate with? All of them.

7. In what way do you come nearest to perfection (as you define it)? I will never come close to perfection as I define it. I am a perfectionist and I have OCD pretty severe. Perfection is not in the cards for me. It simply is not anything close to attainable.

8. Do you have any recurring nightmares? I have more recurring nightmares than I can count. Some are based on fact. Some simply have terrifying people from my past in them. Either way, they all revolve around my PTSD and cause me to wake in a cold sweat with a migraine.

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be and why? I would make my mother more involved. My father less afraid of me and what others would think of me being a daddy's girl, since again mom was self-absorbed and neglectful, once I hit puberty. I would get them both to leave the cult year before my little brother ever came along because it effected me too. I would make them both more perceptive and less concerned with what people would think if they took me to a child psychologist. I would make them believe me when I went to them about the abuse and molestation. And those are just for a start...

Wishcasting Wednesday

This week's Wishcasting Wednesday question is: What do you wish for less of?

Jamie always seems to pick wishcasting questions that are perfectly in synch with my life!

I wish for less drama!

My drama. My parents' drama. My family's drama. Alex's drama. His family's drama. Drama from the boys. My life is positively oozing drama at the moment and nothing would make me happier than for it to ease up or go away altogether. My migraines, Fibromyalgia, arthritis and whatnot are made so much worse by drama.

So please, wish that I have less drama in my life!

Wow, long time no see!

I haven't posted in months and I apologize for that. At the time, back in January, I had toyed with the idea of discontinuing this blog. And as you can see, I basically did discontinue it for 6 months or so. Now, I'm not so sure what I want to do with it. I feel compelled to reopen it because there is simply so much going on - within my life, my heart and my heart - that I need to purge. I need some place safe and while my main blog is read by wonderfully loving and understanding people, I'm worried that my ex-husband may be one of them. Not to mention the fact that there are simply some things I need to share and get off my chest (again) that I would rather not share with my husband. It isn't like I'm cheating or even have a crush on anyone (aside from the occasional celebrity lol) but sometimes I have dreams or nightmares that I'd rather not share. Or there are the rare times when I have thoughts or feelings, which I'd rather keep away from him. And so, once again, I find myself here. My blogging home away from home.

Sunday Stealing #4: The Negativity Meme

Sunday Stealing: The Negativity Meme

Foods which disgust the crap out of me: Oysters

TV show I loathe: Little Bear, Max & Ruby

Movie I loathe: Planet of the Apes (old version or newer version - any version)

Music genres I loathe: Hard, heavy rock excluding Metallica

Magazine which annoys me: GQ

Makes me cranky at restaurant:

Makes me cranky in public: People who feel they have the right to discipline perfect strangers' children. The nerve!

Makes me cranky in general: Ignorance and liars

Pisses me off at home: Endless housework

Pisses me off at work: Writer's block

Pisses me off in general: Manipulation

Makes me impatient at home: My limitations

Makes me impatient at work: My limitations (ah the joys of working from home)

Makes me impatient in public: Rude people

Celebrity I hate: Mark Wahlberg (ick ick super ick ew!)

Music artist I hate: Hard, heavy rock excluding Metallica

I could care less about: I could care less about a lot of things because I care about a lot of things and people. Now I couldN'T care less about my neighbor's feelings when they lose their Section 8 Housing Assistance for threatening Cookie Monster, assaulting Pruny etc.

Annoys the crap out of me weekdays: Mega meltdown mornings with Oatmeal Raisin.

Annoys the crap out of me weekends: Feeling lost and overwhelmed without anyone to turn to even though they offer to help when we don't need it.

Blogger's habit that annoys you: Attacking another blogger via comments without leaving a name, email address, website etc. It's spineless and disgusting.

Feature on your blog you hate: Just that I can't seem to get it setup and looking the way I want it. It doesn't feel right to me yet.

Movie star you despise: Mark Wahlberg (ick ick super ick ew!)

Politician that you hate: If there were still a CIA etc I would worry about them coming to get me. Since there isn't, I'm not worried about saying this...I can't stand President Obama. There is just something about him that drives me nuts. Of course, his policies - new, old, possibly - don't help endear him to my heart any either.

Six Word Saturday #5

My baby has lost his hearing.

I am simply beside myself. Absolutely devastated. I need something I can fight, yet there isn't anything available. I'm falling apart. The only thing I can think to do in an effort to help him is to learn American Sign Language. So I am throwing myself head first into learning that. I forsee many tests and doctors appointments. So I am also throwing myself head first into creating health logs for both Emmett John and Gavin. It's something I can do with my hands. Something I can create. Something with a purpose. Something besides waiting. And worrying. And completely freaking-out.

Saturday 9: #6 I Think We're Alone Now

 

Saturday 9: I Think We're Alone Now

1. What celebrity in a fantasy would you like to be alone with? Vincent D'Onfrio *yum* Christopher Meloni *double yum* (Notice a pattern here?

2. Have ever dated a good friend? I'm married to my best friend. Does that count?

3. What is the most embarrassing song that you like? At the moment, probably anything Miley Cyrus.

4. What is your favorite tear jerker movie? Steel Magnolias, Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood, the Princess and the Frog (I "ugly cried" at this movie.)

5. What about yourself makes you least secure? The unknown

6. Do you believe in destiny? It changes from day to day. Some days I believe in the clandestine "destiny is preordained and can't be changed too much" theory. Other days I believe in the "we make our own destiny" theory.

7. What 'issue' do you think your opinion is so right about that you end up trying to sway others to your point of view? Autism is not a curable "disease" like Jenny McCarthy seems to believe. It is a biological, neurological disorder. There are treatments that can make it either better or worse; however, there is not now nor has there ever been a cure. That woman just gets my panties in a bunch as I've already stated.

8. What are 5 things you don't care about?

1. I don't care how much fat etc. is in my food or what else is in my food for that matter. I eat what sounds good, regardless of the rest of it.
2. I don't care how much pain it might cause, how big an inconvience it may be for me to help someone else...I will do it. I help others at a sacrifice of self - always. It's the way I've always been.
3. I don't care what the sacrifice is that I have to give for my children, I will give it. The come before me - always.
4. I don't care what the reaction of my "neighbors" will be once they lose their Section 8 housing assistance for assaulting Pruny, threatening the life of Cookie Monster and the little Cookies, and terrorizing the neighborhood. They have egged houses, assaulted neighbors, slandered neighbors. (Did you know that Cookie Monster is a pedofile and I am horribly abusive to my babies!? He isn't but according to Beep-Beep {That's what Pruny and I call her because she used to turn tricks out of the house and her John's would "beep-beep" when they arrived.} he is. But that's all another post.) They need to go and I don't care that it will hurt when they do.
5. I don't care that NTD had to give up custody of Oatmeal Raisin. I don't care that the Cow (NTD's mother) will never see, play head games with or abuse my little boy again. I don't care that they miss his Karate promotions, his report cards, and his Lego creations. I don't care that they hurt because I gave them 6 years to get their shit in gear to be a productive members of Oatmeal Raisin's life and they didn't want to be. So I don't care what they feel anymore because I tried.

9. Have you ever been in a situation where you weren't sure if you were seducing or being seduced? I'm sure I have. Can't think of it off the top of my head though.

Friday Fill-In #4

 

1. I have a chance to recover, if only you take the opportunities presented to you.
2. Inner growth starts right now!
3. There is a very real chance that I may snap from the stress but I'm not sure.
4. Put off what should be done now and pay later.
5. It's time to face reality.
6. Too bad reality is up in the air but I'm still being forced to live in it. I declare "Shenanigans!" 
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to trying to recover from this week, tomorrow my plans include therapy and grocery shopping and Sunday, I want to blog and catch up on blog-hopping that is long overdue!

Sunday Stealing #3: The Trivia About Me Meme

  

Sunday Stealing: The Trivia About Me Meme

Opening…

Do you get regular massages? I used to but not anymore. I miss them. =(

Do you have an answering machine? No need for one when you don't have a land line.

What cuss word do you use the most? Fuck

Are you underweight or overweight? Neither. I'm right where my doctors want me to be. It's about the only thing about my health they are happy with.

Can you see your veins? Some of them. I have great veins for getting IV's and taking blood, which works out well for me.

Favorite…

Soap? Irish Spring or something like that. I know it when I see it. 

Fruit? Bananas. Or kiwis. Or strawberries. No, no, no. I've got it! Concord grapes! Those are my absolute favorites.

Kind of red meat? I don't eat red meat. I'm in the process of weaning myself off meat and becoming a vegetarian. =)

Fish? Orange roughie or shrimp.

Candy bar? As long as it's chocolate, I'm not picky.

Have You Ever…

Eaten a whole bag of potato chips? Not a large, full-sized bag in one sitting, no. One of those small, lunch-sized bags in one sitting, yes.

Eaten lobster? Yes, I don't like it.

Climbed a mountain? No.

Been skydiving? No.

Been water skiing? No.

Do You…

Wish you could change something about your life? Things past and things current, yes.

Like your nose? Yes.

Like salt and vinegar chips? No.

Eat salsa? Yes.

Own a boat? No.

What Is…

A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences? Honestly, the very first thing that came to mind upon reading this was drunk driving. Far too many treat drunk driving as if it is a "small thing" and they let it slide when in fact it does actually have dire consequences.

Your most macho trait? I guess my most "macho" trait is the fact that I don't like to let bullshit slide and I tend to smack my nearest and dearest in the arms, chest and back when they are acting like jackasses while trying to getting away with bullshit.

The longest relationship you’ve ever had? My current relationship with Cookie Monster. We've been together nearly a decade and married 6 going on 7 years.

Your most embarrassing thoughts? Running away and changing my name.

Your most shameful moment? Not going to the Domestic Violence Shelter when I was living and married to NTD. I called them. They begged me to pack up Oatmeal Raisin and...move in, I guess. I declined. I didn't want them to know. I didn't want the people who specialize in helping victims of Domestic Violence to know what he and his family were doing to me. So I stayed. If I had gone, it may have changed the tone of the next decade (2000-2010) of my entire life.

This/That…

Bath/Shower? Depends on the day, my mood and the reason/purpose

Markers/Crayons? Again, depends on the day, my mood and the reason/purpose
Pens/Pencils? See 2 previous answers =)

Jelly/Cream Cheese? Depends on what I'm eating Jelly is for either toast or bagels or english muffins but cream cheese is only for bagels, period.

Bagel/Toast? Usually bagels but sometimes toast

Finish…

My greatest weakness is… my children, my husband, my friends/family & office supplies

I wish I was… healed, these open wounds are killing me slowly.

Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are… 1) give up my husband and children. 2) Remarry NTD. 3) Live through/"survive" more abuse of any type.

The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is… probably a penis. Seriously, is that what God intended us to do with it?!

Firsts…

Credit card you had? I can't remember the company but it was through my local mall. I think the company is closed now anyway.

Loan you got was for? Student loan - gotta love 'em.

Paycheck was for how much? Oh, hell if I know. It was part time as a General Service Representative at Fuddruckers (glorified name for a Table Busser) and I was 15 years old at the time so I can't imagine that I made very much. lol

Time you had stitches? After giving birth to an 8lb 15oz "sunny-side-up" 4 day overdue Oatmeal Raisin who ripped me open from one end to the other - 4th degree tears aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Time you went to the hospital for something? I was somewhere between newborn and 2 weeks old and running a fever of 103 - 104 degrees. That's all I know because I was living with my foster parents at the time.

Lasts…

List everything you ate in the last 24 hours? Coke, SubWay, chips, chocolate, Hostess chocolate cupcakes, Hostess Zingers

Last thing you used a credit card for? It's been years because we don't use credit cards for anything. Unless you count our debit/credit cards but those don't count in my book.

What was your job previous to the one you have now? I was an Administrative Assistant.

Last thing you celebrated? New Years.

Last time you were at a sports bar? Many, many moons ago.

Six Word Saturday #4

Traded my Wii for a Netbook. =)

Cookie Monster and his sister, Elizabeth, bought a Wii for me for Christmas thinking it would help with my Fibro. They also bought Wii Fit Plus with the Wii Fit Board thingie. Elizabeth is about to graduate with her Masters in Physical Therapy so she's all about trying to find ways to A) get me moving a little more and B) help me with my pain without making it worse. Well, the Wii was definitely A and in no way, shape or form B. So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for this! 

Isn't she beautiful? =)

Friday Fill-In #3

1. The lesson I learned yesterday was while I fought my ex and his family for the past decade to protect myself and my family from my ex what we won...was a lifetime of battles with Oatmeal Raisin. Battles that are the war each and every time. Battles that if lost, so is Oatmeal Raisin - maybe not physically anymore but mentally, physically or emotionally. I almost wish I'd lost.
2. Home where friends and family meet.
3. All these years I've fought and now I wonder if he'd have been better off had I given up.
4. The party started when I arrived. (Yeah, baby! lol)
5. The truth is I don't like large groups of people or parties.
6. Nothing is what I remember most from that day. Mainly because I try not to think about any of it too much.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching a weeks worth of recorded shows with Cookie Monster, tomorrow my plans include seeing my therapist and cleaning (woo hoo) and Sunday, I want to maybe visit the in-laws and prepare for another week of appointments with specialists and testing for Oatmeal Raisin and Snickerdoodle!

Six Word Saturday #3

Freezing snow outside, SweetPea won't poop!

It's been hoovering around 0 degrees and below around my neck of the woods this week. Between the temps and the snow and ice combo outside, SweetPea will not poop outside! Period. He refuses. I can take him outside. Freeze my butt off. Watch him freeze and shiver to the point where he appears to be having full-body seizures while he attempts to walk/hop through 4-8 inches of snow. His body is ready to poop. He starts to poop...then he sucks it back in his body! So of course, once he's back in the house and warm...he poops.

I can't wait for slightly warmer weather.

Saturday 9: #4 Call Me

Saturday 9: Call Me

1. Who is someone that phones you routinely that you never seem to be up to talk to, but you are not ready to push them out of your life? This person used to be Bonnie. She would call and spew her drama and useless Yahoo.com "medical diagnosis" at me while she denied my real world from a medical doctor diagnosis. She would refuse to follow AJ's rules and guidelines. Tell him I abused him. And generally just cause me stress and unwanted drama, as of September/October 2009 she has been *pushed*. Now I am drama-free...at least Bonnie-drama-free anyway.

2. What is something that effects you deeply, to your core, no matter your mood or what else is going on in your life? AJ. No matter what kind of day I am having. No matter how good or how bad. He has the power to kill it in one fowl swoop. Likewise (but very very very rarely) he has the power to make my day when all is right with the world and the stars in the heavens align.

3. Tell us of something that relaxes you and always makes you happy. A massage from an actual massage therapist who is skilled in giving massages to Fibro patients. *ah heaven*

4. If you could take the train from anywhere to anywhere, where would 'anywhere' be? Anywhere = Ireland (always)

5. If you could look into the future, how far down the road would you like to see? 10 years? 100 years? A million? 10 years - I need to know that we are going to be okay. That Alex and I are going to find a way to make it through. That Wyatt and Cooper are going to come through to the other side unscathed by everything AJ has going on. That all 3 of them are going to come through to the other side unscathed by everything I have going on in my head and everything I'm trying to work through.

6. Did you do your shopping online for this Christmas, how did it go? Did things come in on time? Any significant failures? ...and if you didn't, will you consider trying online shopping sometime this year? I shop online every once in a great while. Usually only from Amazon.com and usually only if I have a gift certificate.

7. What people or projects are worth your time, money or effort? People: Friends and family are always worth my time, money and effort. I will go to the ends of the Earth for them. Projects: I have adult ADHD so I tend to start projects that don't get finished. If it's for someone, it's worth it. If I really like it, it's worth it. If it's just plain interesting enough to hold my attention for more than five seconds, it's worth it.

8. Think back when you were in high school. Are you proud of the way you dressed, or do you wish you could go back and change it all? I'm proud of the way I dressed. I was true to myself, which is all I wanted out of me and the high school experience.

9. Do any of your friends, family or co-workers know about your blogs? For those that do, did you tell them or have they stumbled upon it by themselves? Alex knows about my blog. Sassy, one of my nearest and dearest friends also knows about my blog. Aside from them a few people I seem to have picked up along the way know about it but that's it.

Wednesday Wishcasting #1: What dream do you wish to explore?

What dream do you wish to explore?

I wish I could find the courage to write my first book.

As it stands right now, I can't even seem to find the courage to get inspired to start my first book. Let alone write it from start to finish. I am absolutely terrified that I will fail miserably, which is completely unacceptable because all I've wanted my entire life was to be a published author. I can't be published if I don't write the book first. I just wish I could write the book first.

If you think the Wednesday Wishcasting looks like fun or just a nice change of pace drop by at the Jamie Ridler Studio and join in the fun. =)

Confusing English Language

Okay, so the more posts I write the more I'm finding that the children creep in far more than I had initially planned. I had thought that this blog would be primarily about me, my PTSD, my BPD, and how I got them. I knew some present day stuff would come up but I didn't expect it to be so much that the children would need actual names. Then my husband decided, admitedly with some prodding from yours truly, to start his own blog. If I point it out to you, you will know the children's names anyway and my letters as names is useless. Plus, A is really confusing. What with it being an actual word in the English language. So the Cookie Monster can call the boys by their first names - I'm not pointing his blog out to you. But I have decided to give the boys names here. So here they are:

R = Alex
A = AJ
B = Wyatt
C = Cooper

There problem solved. Although you still won't get to see pictures of any of us - ever. I'm standing firm on that one. I am going to share pictures of my beloved fur babies though. Oh and my art. So at least my blog won't be completely picture free, right? =)

Saturday 9: You Shook Me

 Saturday 9: You Shook Me

1. What celebrity would you just want to shake some sense into? Jenny McCarthy (see #6 for more info)

2. What do you think comes after death? I think the Afterlife comes after death. I hope that part of my Heaven is my Granny's farm where I grew up as a kid. I loved it there and I know that I could find some peace.

3. What is the first book that you can remember reading by yourself as a child? I don't remember the title. It was about a kitten and her mother. They go shopping and the kitten finds a doll that she falls in love with and has to have.

4. What was the first rock concert that you attended? This is where my nerdiness shows through...I've yet to attend a rock or music concert of any kind. Although Alex took me to see Bill Engvall a few summers ago. He's hilarious. But no music for me. =(

5. If you were to suddenly become famous, would you choose a stage name? If yes, what would it be? I have a nome de plume (however that's spelled) all picked out if I ever get the guts to write a book and then submit it to a publisher. Does that count?

6. What is the one thing that you wish the media would stop talking about? Sadly enough I am not up-to-date on my current events so I don't really have one to complain about. What I could stand to never hear about again though are these celebrity parents, like Jenny McCarthy, who are telling the rest of us "everyday parents" that we can cure our Autistic child(ren). That just gets my panties all in a major bunch.

7. If you could be part of any band, which one would it be and who would you be and why? Rascal Flatts. I would just be myself though and since myself can't carry a tune in a bucket I would do just about any and all other creative job they asked of me. Because creative things I can definitely do.

8. Do you live close to your immediate family members? If not, how far away are they? My sister lives 3 doors down. My Mom lives less than 5 minutes away, depending on traffic. My one sister lives across the street. And my in-laws live less than 10 minutes away, again depending on traffic. So yeah, we all live pretty close together. I like it that way. It helps in Emergencies. Its great for snow days to have my sister, 2 nephews and a niece just 3 doors down.

9. Last seasonal question (promise): What did you do on New Year's Eve? I fell asleep at 8:30 pm with Cooper. Leaving poor Alex alone with Miss Sue and Zeus and the Wii. Oh what a party animal I am.

The Others

N - childhood sexual assaultant
Dani - childhood sexual assaultant
Bonnie - adoptive mother* 
Clyde - adoptive father *
Michael - stalker #1
MD - summer camp teen boyfriend (date sexual assault)
J - high school teen boyfriend (sodomized/sexual abuse)
NM - young adult stalker #2 turned boyfriend turned husband #1 (sexual assault, psychological abuse, domestic violence)
Freak Therapist - stalker #3
Boundary Breaker Therapist
Unknown Assaultant - (sexual abuse)*

(Not a complete list...its still a work in progress since my memory has so many holes in it. Plus the more stressed I am, the less likely I am to remember very much. Call it my brain's self-defense. I intend to discuss each of these at some point. The stars indicate Others who have more info than the average story.)

*more info to come

Goodbye, 2009! Hello, 2010!

Wow. 2009 went out with a *Bam*. And so far all 22 hours of 2010 have been...well, pretty shitty.

Things have been pretty quiet around here for the past 2 weeks or so. Although the tension has been steadily building because all 5 of us (not counting the animals) have been together all day, everyday. Whatever level of tension comes after "it was so thick you could cut it with a knife", that's what we're living in right now. It sucks. AJ returns to school on Monday, hopefully that will give us some relief. I also need to register Wyatt in Head Start/Pre-School on Monday. As soon as he starts that will hopefully grant us another break, and things should lighten up a bit more. Right now though, I'm worried we are all ready to kill each other.

Wyatt is almost 4 years old with the endless energy that comes with that. With 4 inches of snow and sub-zero temps, there isn't an outlet outside for that energy. So he runs. Jumps. Slides. "Flies". Flings himself off of things. In the quest for "gettin the wiggles out Ma"! At the end of any given day though, its enough to make me want to throw in the towel curl up into the fetal position and sob like a baby. If pre-school doesn't help, I sincerely don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so over-whelmed with other life shit that the everyday grumpy, obstinate 3 year old child shit is just threatening to shove my ass straight over the edge. "I'm a donkey on the edge!"

Seriously here people, I'm crazy. I know this. People have been forcing this label upon me since I was in junior high school. I heard, "You are crazy! Seriously, your parents should have you locked away some where." I was upset then but now, as an adult, I am able to accept myself for what I am - crazy. Therefore I accept the label as well. However, there are periods of time when it doesn't occur to me that I have mental illness. I actually manage to forget that I have ADHD or PTSD or even BPD. Life just goes on as usual and I forget. When I remember...when I'm brought crashing back down to Earth from my place in the clouds, I always find it odd the things that remind me and bring me crashing down.

For instance, I have been in a fairly constant state of flux for the past decade - from 02/14/2001 - 12/28/2009. Then Tuesday Dec 28th, I'm napping with Cooper and things are peaceful when my phone rang; I slept through it. It was my attorney. He called Alex when he couldn't reach me. My life was about to be flipped upside for the better and yet it would still leave me flailing .

Here's some background info for you....

Long story, as short as humanly possible: My ex-husband and his mother filed a contempt motion against me in Fall 2005 because I wouldn't give them what they wanted. The Family Court Judge who finalized my divorce found me in contempt against the evidence. I was sentenced to 30 days in jail. Then I was given a chance to "purge myself" and avoid jail by giving my ex what he wanted - unsupervised access to my son. I refused, which earned me another 30 days in jail - now I've got 60 days in jail. I filed an appeal with the district courts. Tuesday Dec 28th, the Appeals Court ruled IN MY FAVOR. They over-turned the contempt charged AND my 60 days of jail time. This was good news.

Right? Maybe.....It should have been. But I am used to the constant state of flux. I'm used to waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm used to my ex and his mother filing stupid motions against me. I'm used to being abused and harassed by these people. I've never, in the past decade, ever lived without these things. I don't remember how. This has had a more profound effect upon my life than I had anticipated.

Then Alex surprised me with a puppy! Not.just.any.puppy. My "perfect" puppy. I have always wanted either a Mini Pinscher (to the left) or a Teacup Chi (to the right in the well, tea cup). Zeus isn't either of those but he's better and still absolutely perfect in each and every way.

Zeus is a 2lb Chi-Pom mix. He looks just like a Pom only smaller. He's a snuggler. Loves to play with Miss Sue even if she has a 68lb weight difference. He's great with the boys but not sure about Sneezey yet. He's just so sweet and fluffy. He isn't housebroken yet but we're working on it. Besides I honestly can't say that I blame him at this point, its COLD out there. When he goes out there to pee he shivers so violently he looks like he's having seizures. And his name fits perfectly (which is apparently the word of the day) because while he only weighs 2lbs he seems to believe that he is at least as big as Miss Sue.

It took me 4 days to pick a name too! The woman before me named him 'Mocha' but that's too sweet for my tastes. Plus my nephew already has a dog by that name and that just seems wrong to me. Then I named him 'Miller'. After that it was 'Zeus' but I changed my mind. Then I liked 'Pixel', 'Ozzy', and 'Smith'. Alex wanted 'Rico' after the penguin in 'The Penguins of Madagascar'. He's also the one who came up with 'Zeus'. In the end, I had to run out and pick-up our NYE dinner and my meds. When I got home Snickerdoodle came out to help me with the bags and Zeus snuck out after him. When I saw him, the first name to come to mind was 'Zeus' so I knew that's what his name was supposed to be. That was 24 hours ago and he already answers to it so I must be right. =)

So life is chugging right along. Christmas break is almost over. The closer we get to the end, the worse my mood, which doesn't make sense. I'm not one of *those* moms who sincerely enjoys and/or wants her children home from school on break all the time. I'm one of the moms who begins the countdown for back-to-school as soon as the last day of school ends. Assuming we all survive, AJ will return to school on Monday Jan 4th.

And this ended up being a giant rambling post about nothing. Fantastic.

Saturday 9: #2 Sam's Last Stand of 2009

Saturday 9: Sam's Last Stand of 2009

1. What did you think of 2009? I can't believe it's over. It feels like it just started and yet here we are...about to start over again.

2. What do you think was the news story of the year? I would like to say that it's something scientific and/or meaningful to the world at large; however, it's likely going to be the fact that Michael Jackson died. That's not the news story of the year for me but I can't think of anything else right now...so it'll do.

3. What happened this year that you never want to hear another word about?  I don't remember. See? I've already forgotten. Hopefully everyone else involved has forgotten by now too.

4. What was your favorite song of 2009? Okay, this is going to sound...crazy but it would have to be Mylie Cyrus' "The Climb". It just fits me the best right now, which is how I judge most songs anymore.

5. What did you accomplish this year? I started seeing a pain management doctor for my Fibromyalgia, which is huge. I found a medication which helps with my Fibromyalgia. I stood up for myself with a bad therapist and with the help of AJ's therapist I found a new one. I cut off contact with Bonnie and Clyde (long story which will amount to an even longer post - it's coming down the line I promise) and their crazy counterparts. Those are the biggies.

6. Did you learn anything new this year? I learned I'm stronger than I thought when it comes to dealing with others.

7. What are you looking forward to in the new year? Change - my change not President Obama's.

8. What are your plans for New Year's Eve? Stay home and hang-out with Alex while AJ, Wyatt and Cooper sleep.

9. What's the best thing you ever did on a New Year's Eve? Stay home and hang-out with Alex while AJ, Wyatt and Cooper sleep.

Six Word Saturday #1 ~ The extended explanation

Granted, I spent most of yesterday in the kitchen with the Alex's Uncle while he finished up linner (not really lunch but not really dinner either) because every time I tried to spend time with the family I ended up with my foot in my mouth. It could have been the Ativan, although I've never had this problem before. I would open my mouth and words would just basically word-vomit out without any inclination from me that:

A) they were coming
and
B) what the Hell they were.

It was bad. At one point, I looked at my siblings-in-law while they jokingly fought over which of us would pick up Mom B from work if Dad B wasn't home from taking Great Grandma B, Great Aunt and Great Uncle home. I walked up in the middle of the conversation and when invited to join said, "Well, if y'all must drink and will be too drunk and lazy to get up and go get her...then I suppose that just leaves me or the Alex. Now doesn't it?" Yeah, not my best move ever. I mean they all know I don't approve of their excessive drinking, underage drinking, and drinking and driving. But I've never been so...out and out rude about it before - at least not to their faces! (Only when venting to the Alex or Angel, my sister.) I didn't even know I had the thought in my head at the time! They invited me to join the conversation, I opened my mouth and *BAM*.

Earlier in the day at breakfast we were talking about this small family business that the Alex's sister, Jennie, works for. Her boss recently found out that his sister was stealing from the business, so he went to fire her but she quit first. So Jennie asks us, "If you were my boss and that were your sister, what would you do?" And again, I open my mouth and word-vomit all over the place. I have no idea what is about to come out of my mouth because it's not in my head first. However, it's now out there for all the family to hear and look at me as if, once again, I'm the crazy one. Oh and if you were curious, my answer was, "Turn her in. It's not like she was caught taking $5 or $20 out of the till (which I know is still wrong). She took large amounts of money repeatedly over a long period of time. She took advantage of her brother and the family business and that's called extortion for a reason, it's wrong. I say turn her in and let her do her time. Let "Big Bertha" get a hold of her and teach her a lesson." Then I walked away. Just like that, I walked away as if I told them what time it was and nothing more.

As I walked away trying to figure out what the Hell had just happened, I heard IT. They were laughing - I was funny. No big joke there. I had just word-vomited all over the place. Then they began talking about me. No one understood the "Big Bertha" joke. etc etc etc Then it was why I was wrong. How could I turn on family like that? In all honesty, I wouldn't and I couldn't. I don't know that I have it in me. Unless you fuck up first.

If you steal that much money from my family business, essentially my family which thereby affects my ability to care for my family...It's on. For you to do that, you are not acting as a member of my family. You are acting for yourself. Why should I spend...or waste my time protecting you from yourself when all you've been doing is putting my family at risk and in danger for yourself?! Why should I help protect you from the consequences of your actions when you couldn't be bothered to think past yourself to anyone else, especially my children and my family?! Yes, you are my family. Yes, I love you. But that doesn't mean I have a duty to place you above the best interest of everyone else, including yourself. I would be doing a disservice to you if I allowed you to go without consequences. Nope, I don't get it. Apparently, I was alone in this opinion. Then again, I have a few actual years on all of them. Not to mention a few decades worth of life experience years. Plus, my life experience extends past surviving another night of binge drinking and drunk driving home without killing or hurting anyone.

I guess, I just wish I weren't so alone, in everything.

In the end though, I only had to take 3 Ativan to survive the day. Which is very cool. Although to be fair, in previous years I had to put up with Christmas gatherings with Clyde and Bonnie as well. But I'm not factoring that in. It's my life and my blog. So there! (How's that for a mature response?! lol) =)

Friday Fill-In #1

1. No, I will NOT keep your secrets any longer!

2. Everything was normal yesterday at the old kitchen table.

3. I watched the steam rising from the hot cup of coffee (or tea) and thought: it smells so good, I just wish it tasted that good.

4. Nothing is going to be okay until I can purge this nastiness and heal those wounds.

5. I'll take my old life back compared to this bullshit monstrosity I was just handed.

6. Fuck this shit, it sucks eggs at least from my point of view.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to working on Christmas gifts for AJ, Wyatt and Cooper; tomorrow my plans include working on Christmas some more; and Sunday, I want to try and forget that today ever happened!

Alex just got home from the doctor. It was one of those appointments where we were sure everything was going to be okay. I was just worrying about nothing. Everything isn't okay, right now. I wasn't worrying about nothing. Now we worry. Now we plan an attack for a battle we didn't know was coming against a foe we don't have an identity for.