Saturday 9: Spooky

Saturday 9: Spooky

1. Does anything about Halloween “spook” you? Clowns. Of course clowns spook me out on a normal day too, so I'm not sure if that counts or not.

2. What is the favorite costume you have ever worn for Halloween? The 1950's Poodle skirt outfit my mom made for me when I was about 10 or 12 years-old. She made the pink skirt with the black poodle for me. I had the shirt with the "bobby socks" and saddle shoes. We pulled my hair up into a pony tail (nothing all that new for me then or now to be honest with you) and I was a very convincing 1950's girl.

3. What is your favorite thing about Halloween? Candy

4. What one topic is (or was) the most painful to discuss with your parents? Why? Every topic that has never been broached with them - such as every time I was abused, misused or assaulted. Of which they don't know about most of them, either because I didn't tell them or because they ignored the signs because it was easier for them.

5. What was the happiest day of your life? Do you think you'll ever top it? I don't know that I've had one happiest day of my life. I've had many happy days but none that stand out or jump out as "this was the happiest day of my life".

6. What animal would you like to be able to communicate with? All of them.

7. In what way do you come nearest to perfection (as you define it)? I will never come close to perfection as I define it. I am a perfectionist and I have OCD pretty severe. Perfection is not in the cards for me. It simply is not anything close to attainable.

8. Do you have any recurring nightmares? I have more recurring nightmares than I can count. Some are based on fact. Some simply have terrifying people from my past in them. Either way, they all revolve around my PTSD and cause me to wake in a cold sweat with a migraine.

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be and why? I would make my mother more involved. My father less afraid of me and what others would think of me being a daddy's girl, since again mom was self-absorbed and neglectful, once I hit puberty. I would get them both to leave the cult year before my little brother ever came along because it effected me too. I would make them both more perceptive and less concerned with what people would think if they took me to a child psychologist. I would make them believe me when I went to them about the abuse and molestation. And those are just for a start...

Sunday Stealing #1: What If

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? My ex-husband, MN, hands down without question. If I'm lucky he'll be standing close to his mother (whom I also hate - with good reason {beyond her being my ex-mother-in-law} she was a big part of the terror and abuse I suffered during my first marriage) when I blow him up so I can kill two psychopaths/sociopaths with one button.


2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Fergie. I cannot stand her. I don't know why but there's just something about her that grates on my nerves. Her music will disappear from existance too, right?


3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Depending on the day of the week, my big sister, Angel. She does big sister things that just drive me batty and sometimes I'd love nothing more than to knock her out. Except I can't punch for crap so there really isn't any point.


4. What is your favorite cheese? I like them all. I don't think I've met one yet that I didn't like. Oh! Brie! Brie is my favorite with all other cheeses as a close second.


5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? Either a Philly cheese steak - the way Steak Escape makes them. (Not the way they actually make them in Philly. Sorry PA peeps.) Or an Italian BMT at SubWay. Which ever one I'm eating, I can promise that it's all but drowning in black olives and banana peppers. Damnit, now I'm craving SubWay!

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? I've been thinking about this since last night. My OCD compelling me to pick the "perfect" guy. (Huh? Again with my use of the word "perfect". Kind of makes you think, huh?) Then it hit me...Vincent D'Onfrio. *sigh*

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? I had to think about this one too. I mean these are important decisions - I only get one night! So I finally decided that Brad Paisley is the man. Yum.

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? Art supplies. Things for SweetPea because he really doesn't have anything yet. Whatever looked fun at the Dollar General.


9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Ireland

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? Eat - I'm having all this sex and going shopping and whatnot but there hasn't been any eating!!! I should hope after Vincent and Brad - not even taking the shopping and jet-setting hither and yon into account - I'm probably starving! Then after I eat, I'll shop! =)

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…? I don't believe an angel would offer me alcohol. But I would gladly accept the lifetime supply of Coke she offers me. Everyone knows caffeine is far more important than alcohol anyway.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? I would go to Summer 1998 and explain everything that will be lost etc if I go through with my "Save MN" plan. I would shake my 17/18 year old self and explain that he can't be saved because he is a complete sociopath, as is his mother.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? My first rule is: This is my island; GET OFF! I would only allow my friends and family on the island. I have no interest in building my own society so I'm not going to; at least not with strangers and such. My friends and family will have to learn to work together in order for us to survive but that's as close to a society as we will ever get.


14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise? It would probably be a reality television show. I just like to watch television though not create it so I would let someone else have this honor. Then I would just enjoy their creation.


15.What is your favorite curse word? Fuck


16.One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? First I scream, "What the fuck?!" (See? I told you it was my favorite word. lol) Then I try and find a way to get rid of them so I can go back to sleep.


17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item? I don't know that I could choose just one. But since I have to, I would probably grab our extra/backup harddrive because it has nearly all of our pictures from the past decade on it. So at least we would still have those.


18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? I would enjoy one last meal with my nearest and dearest. Have you noticed how a lot of my stuff revolves around food? lol Its a family trait. If there is food somehow involved, we will suffer through just about any situation. =)


19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be? Invisibility. I'd give just about anything to disappear right now.


20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? As crazy as this will sound, the half hour right before I got married to my first husband, MN. Simply because I remember my Granny helping me to get ready and I remember having my picture taken with her. I miss her like crazy so I would relive that half hour.


21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? My entire abusive and terrifying relationship/marriage to MN. Except for the half hour in #20. How that one half-hour would make any sense at all without the rest of the time/memories to go along with it, I don't know. But these are my imaginary answers and I can do what I want to with them. ;)


22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now? Ireland. (And let's be honest here, they are just jealous that I'm doing everything they've always either A) wanted to do... B) wished about... C) seriously considered... Or D) had all set up but chickened out of.) Judgmental pricks!


23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? I'm good with being banned from all the bars in the world...you know, since I don't drink alcohol and all. Well, I guess you don't know that about me yet. I don't drink alcohol. I quit except for special occasions when I was married to MN because of the effect it was having on our lives and family. Then when I was put on Zoloft and nursing Cooper in 2008 I just gave it up altogether. Now that I'm on a whole slew of meds for Fibromyalgia that forbid me to drink rather than the strongly worded "you really shouldn't drink but whatever" warning; I just quit entirely. So yeah, I don't drink alcohol. But I drink Coke like its water and going out of style. =)


24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like “Dude, check it out…I can FLOAT!”? My sisters, which includes my actual sister, Angel, and my sisters-in-law; Jennie, Elle and Becca. Oh, and Barbie, too. After all, she's nearly a sister.


25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? John Lennon. Then I would get him a restraining order to protect him from suffering any further damage of being around Yoko. Although I'm thinking a stronger political leader may have been a better choice. * shrug*


26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My Granny. She was my mother for all intents and purposes. Even though I had a "mother", she was...shall we say less than effective and less than emotionally plugged-in. I miss my Granny more than words could ever possibly express. She passed away in her sleep very suddenly in May 2002 and I changed forever on that day. To have her back...would mean so much to me.


27. What’s your theme song? I don't have a theme song but I'm slowly putting together a soundtrack over time. Someday, after I've dug out my purple folder that holds the lyrics to all the songs of my rather lengthy sound track from whatever blackhole it seems to have fallen into I'll have to post it up here.

Goodbye, 2009! Hello, 2010!

Wow. 2009 went out with a *Bam*. And so far all 22 hours of 2010 have been...well, pretty shitty.

Things have been pretty quiet around here for the past 2 weeks or so. Although the tension has been steadily building because all 5 of us (not counting the animals) have been together all day, everyday. Whatever level of tension comes after "it was so thick you could cut it with a knife", that's what we're living in right now. It sucks. AJ returns to school on Monday, hopefully that will give us some relief. I also need to register Wyatt in Head Start/Pre-School on Monday. As soon as he starts that will hopefully grant us another break, and things should lighten up a bit more. Right now though, I'm worried we are all ready to kill each other.

Wyatt is almost 4 years old with the endless energy that comes with that. With 4 inches of snow and sub-zero temps, there isn't an outlet outside for that energy. So he runs. Jumps. Slides. "Flies". Flings himself off of things. In the quest for "gettin the wiggles out Ma"! At the end of any given day though, its enough to make me want to throw in the towel curl up into the fetal position and sob like a baby. If pre-school doesn't help, I sincerely don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so over-whelmed with other life shit that the everyday grumpy, obstinate 3 year old child shit is just threatening to shove my ass straight over the edge. "I'm a donkey on the edge!"

Seriously here people, I'm crazy. I know this. People have been forcing this label upon me since I was in junior high school. I heard, "You are crazy! Seriously, your parents should have you locked away some where." I was upset then but now, as an adult, I am able to accept myself for what I am - crazy. Therefore I accept the label as well. However, there are periods of time when it doesn't occur to me that I have mental illness. I actually manage to forget that I have ADHD or PTSD or even BPD. Life just goes on as usual and I forget. When I remember...when I'm brought crashing back down to Earth from my place in the clouds, I always find it odd the things that remind me and bring me crashing down.

For instance, I have been in a fairly constant state of flux for the past decade - from 02/14/2001 - 12/28/2009. Then Tuesday Dec 28th, I'm napping with Cooper and things are peaceful when my phone rang; I slept through it. It was my attorney. He called Alex when he couldn't reach me. My life was about to be flipped upside for the better and yet it would still leave me flailing .

Here's some background info for you....

Long story, as short as humanly possible: My ex-husband and his mother filed a contempt motion against me in Fall 2005 because I wouldn't give them what they wanted. The Family Court Judge who finalized my divorce found me in contempt against the evidence. I was sentenced to 30 days in jail. Then I was given a chance to "purge myself" and avoid jail by giving my ex what he wanted - unsupervised access to my son. I refused, which earned me another 30 days in jail - now I've got 60 days in jail. I filed an appeal with the district courts. Tuesday Dec 28th, the Appeals Court ruled IN MY FAVOR. They over-turned the contempt charged AND my 60 days of jail time. This was good news.

Right? Maybe.....It should have been. But I am used to the constant state of flux. I'm used to waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm used to my ex and his mother filing stupid motions against me. I'm used to being abused and harassed by these people. I've never, in the past decade, ever lived without these things. I don't remember how. This has had a more profound effect upon my life than I had anticipated.

Then Alex surprised me with a puppy! Not.just.any.puppy. My "perfect" puppy. I have always wanted either a Mini Pinscher (to the left) or a Teacup Chi (to the right in the well, tea cup). Zeus isn't either of those but he's better and still absolutely perfect in each and every way.

Zeus is a 2lb Chi-Pom mix. He looks just like a Pom only smaller. He's a snuggler. Loves to play with Miss Sue even if she has a 68lb weight difference. He's great with the boys but not sure about Sneezey yet. He's just so sweet and fluffy. He isn't housebroken yet but we're working on it. Besides I honestly can't say that I blame him at this point, its COLD out there. When he goes out there to pee he shivers so violently he looks like he's having seizures. And his name fits perfectly (which is apparently the word of the day) because while he only weighs 2lbs he seems to believe that he is at least as big as Miss Sue.

It took me 4 days to pick a name too! The woman before me named him 'Mocha' but that's too sweet for my tastes. Plus my nephew already has a dog by that name and that just seems wrong to me. Then I named him 'Miller'. After that it was 'Zeus' but I changed my mind. Then I liked 'Pixel', 'Ozzy', and 'Smith'. Alex wanted 'Rico' after the penguin in 'The Penguins of Madagascar'. He's also the one who came up with 'Zeus'. In the end, I had to run out and pick-up our NYE dinner and my meds. When I got home Snickerdoodle came out to help me with the bags and Zeus snuck out after him. When I saw him, the first name to come to mind was 'Zeus' so I knew that's what his name was supposed to be. That was 24 hours ago and he already answers to it so I must be right. =)

So life is chugging right along. Christmas break is almost over. The closer we get to the end, the worse my mood, which doesn't make sense. I'm not one of *those* moms who sincerely enjoys and/or wants her children home from school on break all the time. I'm one of the moms who begins the countdown for back-to-school as soon as the last day of school ends. Assuming we all survive, AJ will return to school on Monday Jan 4th.

And this ended up being a giant rambling post about nothing. Fantastic.

A little more about me

I have many diagnoses; most stem from the tales you will read here. One is O.C.D. Grammar is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Here, I will try to ignore it as much as possible. I apologize in advance but I feel that the purging and actual sharing are more important than proper coma placement etc. Although I will still try to remember to use spell check - some things simply cannot be helped.

I am almost 30 years old. I have been married to the Alex, husband #2, for nearly 7 years. I have known him for nearly 9 years. Together Alex and I have three children: AJ, Wyatt and Cooper. I am a work-at-home mom as a freelance writer. I have a dog, Boxer/American Bulldog mix, Miss Sue, and a cat, tortis shell, Sneezey.

Let's see. I love the colors blue and pink, fruits and veggies, drawing and writing (pretty much anything artistic), my children, my family, my Crackberry, and a bunch of other things that I can't think of at the moment. I love to journal the old fashioned way with actual bound paper journals and pens but blogging works out better for me because I can type much faster than I can write and typing tends to be easier on my arthritis. Plus, I happen to like the narcisstic aspect of it.

I'm really excited about this blog. Most of the posts on this blog are likely to be very sensitive in nature, thereby making the blog as a whole seem rather negative. I opted to place the warning in the beginning to attempt to give some sort of heads-up to my readers. I don't want anyone blind-sighted or triggers by the topics and/or the nature of my blog. I am hoping to keep things sort of light every once in a while, too. I've noticed a few memes around that I look interesting so I'll probably join in with those to try and keep in touch with the lighter side of life. =)

I won't be posting photos of myself or my family because I'm trying to keep this blog as anonymous as possible. I have been debating posting photos of my drawings and paintings, etc. I've never posted and/or shared those with anyone before. Not even my best friend or sister.

I don't want this to be all doom and gloom, woe is me. I want it to be honest, even if it hurts. There are things that happen, things that have happened, things that are happening now...that I want to share. Things that I need to share before they consume me. At the same time, I am absolutely terrified to open up for the very same reason...I'm terrified if I open up, it won't be a release at all and I will be consumed by it but only after its all been released.

So I intend to have fun. Do some memes - Friday Fill-Ins, Six Word Saturday, Saturday 9 - that sort of thing. Maybe share a crazy story from shopping etc. Mainly though, Washing will be for just that - washing. I will not stand in the ocean of salt water that washes over my open (metaphorical) wounds and keep my mouth shut any longer. Even if the only thing I do is to voice my pain in the" silent"  safety of this blog, then so be it.

My hope is that between the medications, my therapist and this blog/purging I will finally be able to wash the salt from my wounds and allow them to heal. Even if that leaves me with horrible scars, I'm okay with that.I would rather live the rest of my life covered in scars than open, seeping wounds.