Saturday 9: Spooky

Saturday 9: Spooky

1. Does anything about Halloween “spook” you? Clowns. Of course clowns spook me out on a normal day too, so I'm not sure if that counts or not.

2. What is the favorite costume you have ever worn for Halloween? The 1950's Poodle skirt outfit my mom made for me when I was about 10 or 12 years-old. She made the pink skirt with the black poodle for me. I had the shirt with the "bobby socks" and saddle shoes. We pulled my hair up into a pony tail (nothing all that new for me then or now to be honest with you) and I was a very convincing 1950's girl.

3. What is your favorite thing about Halloween? Candy

4. What one topic is (or was) the most painful to discuss with your parents? Why? Every topic that has never been broached with them - such as every time I was abused, misused or assaulted. Of which they don't know about most of them, either because I didn't tell them or because they ignored the signs because it was easier for them.

5. What was the happiest day of your life? Do you think you'll ever top it? I don't know that I've had one happiest day of my life. I've had many happy days but none that stand out or jump out as "this was the happiest day of my life".

6. What animal would you like to be able to communicate with? All of them.

7. In what way do you come nearest to perfection (as you define it)? I will never come close to perfection as I define it. I am a perfectionist and I have OCD pretty severe. Perfection is not in the cards for me. It simply is not anything close to attainable.

8. Do you have any recurring nightmares? I have more recurring nightmares than I can count. Some are based on fact. Some simply have terrifying people from my past in them. Either way, they all revolve around my PTSD and cause me to wake in a cold sweat with a migraine.

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be and why? I would make my mother more involved. My father less afraid of me and what others would think of me being a daddy's girl, since again mom was self-absorbed and neglectful, once I hit puberty. I would get them both to leave the cult year before my little brother ever came along because it effected me too. I would make them both more perceptive and less concerned with what people would think if they took me to a child psychologist. I would make them believe me when I went to them about the abuse and molestation. And those are just for a start...

Saturday 9: #6 I Think We're Alone Now

 

Saturday 9: I Think We're Alone Now

1. What celebrity in a fantasy would you like to be alone with? Vincent D'Onfrio *yum* Christopher Meloni *double yum* (Notice a pattern here?

2. Have ever dated a good friend? I'm married to my best friend. Does that count?

3. What is the most embarrassing song that you like? At the moment, probably anything Miley Cyrus.

4. What is your favorite tear jerker movie? Steel Magnolias, Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood, the Princess and the Frog (I "ugly cried" at this movie.)

5. What about yourself makes you least secure? The unknown

6. Do you believe in destiny? It changes from day to day. Some days I believe in the clandestine "destiny is preordained and can't be changed too much" theory. Other days I believe in the "we make our own destiny" theory.

7. What 'issue' do you think your opinion is so right about that you end up trying to sway others to your point of view? Autism is not a curable "disease" like Jenny McCarthy seems to believe. It is a biological, neurological disorder. There are treatments that can make it either better or worse; however, there is not now nor has there ever been a cure. That woman just gets my panties in a bunch as I've already stated.

8. What are 5 things you don't care about?

1. I don't care how much fat etc. is in my food or what else is in my food for that matter. I eat what sounds good, regardless of the rest of it.
2. I don't care how much pain it might cause, how big an inconvience it may be for me to help someone else...I will do it. I help others at a sacrifice of self - always. It's the way I've always been.
3. I don't care what the sacrifice is that I have to give for my children, I will give it. The come before me - always.
4. I don't care what the reaction of my "neighbors" will be once they lose their Section 8 housing assistance for assaulting Pruny, threatening the life of Cookie Monster and the little Cookies, and terrorizing the neighborhood. They have egged houses, assaulted neighbors, slandered neighbors. (Did you know that Cookie Monster is a pedofile and I am horribly abusive to my babies!? He isn't but according to Beep-Beep {That's what Pruny and I call her because she used to turn tricks out of the house and her John's would "beep-beep" when they arrived.} he is. But that's all another post.) They need to go and I don't care that it will hurt when they do.
5. I don't care that NTD had to give up custody of Oatmeal Raisin. I don't care that the Cow (NTD's mother) will never see, play head games with or abuse my little boy again. I don't care that they miss his Karate promotions, his report cards, and his Lego creations. I don't care that they hurt because I gave them 6 years to get their shit in gear to be a productive members of Oatmeal Raisin's life and they didn't want to be. So I don't care what they feel anymore because I tried.

9. Have you ever been in a situation where you weren't sure if you were seducing or being seduced? I'm sure I have. Can't think of it off the top of my head though.

Sunday Stealing #3: The Trivia About Me Meme

  

Sunday Stealing: The Trivia About Me Meme

Opening…

Do you get regular massages? I used to but not anymore. I miss them. =(

Do you have an answering machine? No need for one when you don't have a land line.

What cuss word do you use the most? Fuck

Are you underweight or overweight? Neither. I'm right where my doctors want me to be. It's about the only thing about my health they are happy with.

Can you see your veins? Some of them. I have great veins for getting IV's and taking blood, which works out well for me.

Favorite…

Soap? Irish Spring or something like that. I know it when I see it. 

Fruit? Bananas. Or kiwis. Or strawberries. No, no, no. I've got it! Concord grapes! Those are my absolute favorites.

Kind of red meat? I don't eat red meat. I'm in the process of weaning myself off meat and becoming a vegetarian. =)

Fish? Orange roughie or shrimp.

Candy bar? As long as it's chocolate, I'm not picky.

Have You Ever…

Eaten a whole bag of potato chips? Not a large, full-sized bag in one sitting, no. One of those small, lunch-sized bags in one sitting, yes.

Eaten lobster? Yes, I don't like it.

Climbed a mountain? No.

Been skydiving? No.

Been water skiing? No.

Do You…

Wish you could change something about your life? Things past and things current, yes.

Like your nose? Yes.

Like salt and vinegar chips? No.

Eat salsa? Yes.

Own a boat? No.

What Is…

A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences? Honestly, the very first thing that came to mind upon reading this was drunk driving. Far too many treat drunk driving as if it is a "small thing" and they let it slide when in fact it does actually have dire consequences.

Your most macho trait? I guess my most "macho" trait is the fact that I don't like to let bullshit slide and I tend to smack my nearest and dearest in the arms, chest and back when they are acting like jackasses while trying to getting away with bullshit.

The longest relationship you’ve ever had? My current relationship with Cookie Monster. We've been together nearly a decade and married 6 going on 7 years.

Your most embarrassing thoughts? Running away and changing my name.

Your most shameful moment? Not going to the Domestic Violence Shelter when I was living and married to NTD. I called them. They begged me to pack up Oatmeal Raisin and...move in, I guess. I declined. I didn't want them to know. I didn't want the people who specialize in helping victims of Domestic Violence to know what he and his family were doing to me. So I stayed. If I had gone, it may have changed the tone of the next decade (2000-2010) of my entire life.

This/That…

Bath/Shower? Depends on the day, my mood and the reason/purpose

Markers/Crayons? Again, depends on the day, my mood and the reason/purpose
Pens/Pencils? See 2 previous answers =)

Jelly/Cream Cheese? Depends on what I'm eating Jelly is for either toast or bagels or english muffins but cream cheese is only for bagels, period.

Bagel/Toast? Usually bagels but sometimes toast

Finish…

My greatest weakness is… my children, my husband, my friends/family & office supplies

I wish I was… healed, these open wounds are killing me slowly.

Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are… 1) give up my husband and children. 2) Remarry NTD. 3) Live through/"survive" more abuse of any type.

The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is… probably a penis. Seriously, is that what God intended us to do with it?!

Firsts…

Credit card you had? I can't remember the company but it was through my local mall. I think the company is closed now anyway.

Loan you got was for? Student loan - gotta love 'em.

Paycheck was for how much? Oh, hell if I know. It was part time as a General Service Representative at Fuddruckers (glorified name for a Table Busser) and I was 15 years old at the time so I can't imagine that I made very much. lol

Time you had stitches? After giving birth to an 8lb 15oz "sunny-side-up" 4 day overdue Oatmeal Raisin who ripped me open from one end to the other - 4th degree tears aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Time you went to the hospital for something? I was somewhere between newborn and 2 weeks old and running a fever of 103 - 104 degrees. That's all I know because I was living with my foster parents at the time.

Lasts…

List everything you ate in the last 24 hours? Coke, SubWay, chips, chocolate, Hostess chocolate cupcakes, Hostess Zingers

Last thing you used a credit card for? It's been years because we don't use credit cards for anything. Unless you count our debit/credit cards but those don't count in my book.

What was your job previous to the one you have now? I was an Administrative Assistant.

Last thing you celebrated? New Years.

Last time you were at a sports bar? Many, many moons ago.

Sunday Stealing #1: What If

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? My ex-husband, MN, hands down without question. If I'm lucky he'll be standing close to his mother (whom I also hate - with good reason {beyond her being my ex-mother-in-law} she was a big part of the terror and abuse I suffered during my first marriage) when I blow him up so I can kill two psychopaths/sociopaths with one button.


2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Fergie. I cannot stand her. I don't know why but there's just something about her that grates on my nerves. Her music will disappear from existance too, right?


3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Depending on the day of the week, my big sister, Angel. She does big sister things that just drive me batty and sometimes I'd love nothing more than to knock her out. Except I can't punch for crap so there really isn't any point.


4. What is your favorite cheese? I like them all. I don't think I've met one yet that I didn't like. Oh! Brie! Brie is my favorite with all other cheeses as a close second.


5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? Either a Philly cheese steak - the way Steak Escape makes them. (Not the way they actually make them in Philly. Sorry PA peeps.) Or an Italian BMT at SubWay. Which ever one I'm eating, I can promise that it's all but drowning in black olives and banana peppers. Damnit, now I'm craving SubWay!

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? I've been thinking about this since last night. My OCD compelling me to pick the "perfect" guy. (Huh? Again with my use of the word "perfect". Kind of makes you think, huh?) Then it hit me...Vincent D'Onfrio. *sigh*

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? I had to think about this one too. I mean these are important decisions - I only get one night! So I finally decided that Brad Paisley is the man. Yum.

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? Art supplies. Things for SweetPea because he really doesn't have anything yet. Whatever looked fun at the Dollar General.


9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Ireland

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? Eat - I'm having all this sex and going shopping and whatnot but there hasn't been any eating!!! I should hope after Vincent and Brad - not even taking the shopping and jet-setting hither and yon into account - I'm probably starving! Then after I eat, I'll shop! =)

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…? I don't believe an angel would offer me alcohol. But I would gladly accept the lifetime supply of Coke she offers me. Everyone knows caffeine is far more important than alcohol anyway.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? I would go to Summer 1998 and explain everything that will be lost etc if I go through with my "Save MN" plan. I would shake my 17/18 year old self and explain that he can't be saved because he is a complete sociopath, as is his mother.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? My first rule is: This is my island; GET OFF! I would only allow my friends and family on the island. I have no interest in building my own society so I'm not going to; at least not with strangers and such. My friends and family will have to learn to work together in order for us to survive but that's as close to a society as we will ever get.


14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise? It would probably be a reality television show. I just like to watch television though not create it so I would let someone else have this honor. Then I would just enjoy their creation.


15.What is your favorite curse word? Fuck


16.One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? First I scream, "What the fuck?!" (See? I told you it was my favorite word. lol) Then I try and find a way to get rid of them so I can go back to sleep.


17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item? I don't know that I could choose just one. But since I have to, I would probably grab our extra/backup harddrive because it has nearly all of our pictures from the past decade on it. So at least we would still have those.


18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? I would enjoy one last meal with my nearest and dearest. Have you noticed how a lot of my stuff revolves around food? lol Its a family trait. If there is food somehow involved, we will suffer through just about any situation. =)


19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be? Invisibility. I'd give just about anything to disappear right now.


20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? As crazy as this will sound, the half hour right before I got married to my first husband, MN. Simply because I remember my Granny helping me to get ready and I remember having my picture taken with her. I miss her like crazy so I would relive that half hour.


21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? My entire abusive and terrifying relationship/marriage to MN. Except for the half hour in #20. How that one half-hour would make any sense at all without the rest of the time/memories to go along with it, I don't know. But these are my imaginary answers and I can do what I want to with them. ;)


22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now? Ireland. (And let's be honest here, they are just jealous that I'm doing everything they've always either A) wanted to do... B) wished about... C) seriously considered... Or D) had all set up but chickened out of.) Judgmental pricks!


23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? I'm good with being banned from all the bars in the world...you know, since I don't drink alcohol and all. Well, I guess you don't know that about me yet. I don't drink alcohol. I quit except for special occasions when I was married to MN because of the effect it was having on our lives and family. Then when I was put on Zoloft and nursing Cooper in 2008 I just gave it up altogether. Now that I'm on a whole slew of meds for Fibromyalgia that forbid me to drink rather than the strongly worded "you really shouldn't drink but whatever" warning; I just quit entirely. So yeah, I don't drink alcohol. But I drink Coke like its water and going out of style. =)


24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like “Dude, check it out…I can FLOAT!”? My sisters, which includes my actual sister, Angel, and my sisters-in-law; Jennie, Elle and Becca. Oh, and Barbie, too. After all, she's nearly a sister.


25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? John Lennon. Then I would get him a restraining order to protect him from suffering any further damage of being around Yoko. Although I'm thinking a stronger political leader may have been a better choice. * shrug*


26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My Granny. She was my mother for all intents and purposes. Even though I had a "mother", she was...shall we say less than effective and less than emotionally plugged-in. I miss my Granny more than words could ever possibly express. She passed away in her sleep very suddenly in May 2002 and I changed forever on that day. To have her back...would mean so much to me.


27. What’s your theme song? I don't have a theme song but I'm slowly putting together a soundtrack over time. Someday, after I've dug out my purple folder that holds the lyrics to all the songs of my rather lengthy sound track from whatever blackhole it seems to have fallen into I'll have to post it up here.

The Others

N - childhood sexual assaultant
Dani - childhood sexual assaultant
Bonnie - adoptive mother* 
Clyde - adoptive father *
Michael - stalker #1
MD - summer camp teen boyfriend (date sexual assault)
J - high school teen boyfriend (sodomized/sexual abuse)
NM - young adult stalker #2 turned boyfriend turned husband #1 (sexual assault, psychological abuse, domestic violence)
Freak Therapist - stalker #3
Boundary Breaker Therapist
Unknown Assaultant - (sexual abuse)*

(Not a complete list...its still a work in progress since my memory has so many holes in it. Plus the more stressed I am, the less likely I am to remember very much. Call it my brain's self-defense. I intend to discuss each of these at some point. The stars indicate Others who have more info than the average story.)

*more info to come

Saturday 9: #2 Sam's Last Stand of 2009

Saturday 9: Sam's Last Stand of 2009

1. What did you think of 2009? I can't believe it's over. It feels like it just started and yet here we are...about to start over again.

2. What do you think was the news story of the year? I would like to say that it's something scientific and/or meaningful to the world at large; however, it's likely going to be the fact that Michael Jackson died. That's not the news story of the year for me but I can't think of anything else right now...so it'll do.

3. What happened this year that you never want to hear another word about?  I don't remember. See? I've already forgotten. Hopefully everyone else involved has forgotten by now too.

4. What was your favorite song of 2009? Okay, this is going to sound...crazy but it would have to be Mylie Cyrus' "The Climb". It just fits me the best right now, which is how I judge most songs anymore.

5. What did you accomplish this year? I started seeing a pain management doctor for my Fibromyalgia, which is huge. I found a medication which helps with my Fibromyalgia. I stood up for myself with a bad therapist and with the help of AJ's therapist I found a new one. I cut off contact with Bonnie and Clyde (long story which will amount to an even longer post - it's coming down the line I promise) and their crazy counterparts. Those are the biggies.

6. Did you learn anything new this year? I learned I'm stronger than I thought when it comes to dealing with others.

7. What are you looking forward to in the new year? Change - my change not President Obama's.

8. What are your plans for New Year's Eve? Stay home and hang-out with Alex while AJ, Wyatt and Cooper sleep.

9. What's the best thing you ever did on a New Year's Eve? Stay home and hang-out with Alex while AJ, Wyatt and Cooper sleep.

Six Word Saturday #1 ~ The extended explanation

Granted, I spent most of yesterday in the kitchen with the Alex's Uncle while he finished up linner (not really lunch but not really dinner either) because every time I tried to spend time with the family I ended up with my foot in my mouth. It could have been the Ativan, although I've never had this problem before. I would open my mouth and words would just basically word-vomit out without any inclination from me that:

A) they were coming
and
B) what the Hell they were.

It was bad. At one point, I looked at my siblings-in-law while they jokingly fought over which of us would pick up Mom B from work if Dad B wasn't home from taking Great Grandma B, Great Aunt and Great Uncle home. I walked up in the middle of the conversation and when invited to join said, "Well, if y'all must drink and will be too drunk and lazy to get up and go get her...then I suppose that just leaves me or the Alex. Now doesn't it?" Yeah, not my best move ever. I mean they all know I don't approve of their excessive drinking, underage drinking, and drinking and driving. But I've never been so...out and out rude about it before - at least not to their faces! (Only when venting to the Alex or Angel, my sister.) I didn't even know I had the thought in my head at the time! They invited me to join the conversation, I opened my mouth and *BAM*.

Earlier in the day at breakfast we were talking about this small family business that the Alex's sister, Jennie, works for. Her boss recently found out that his sister was stealing from the business, so he went to fire her but she quit first. So Jennie asks us, "If you were my boss and that were your sister, what would you do?" And again, I open my mouth and word-vomit all over the place. I have no idea what is about to come out of my mouth because it's not in my head first. However, it's now out there for all the family to hear and look at me as if, once again, I'm the crazy one. Oh and if you were curious, my answer was, "Turn her in. It's not like she was caught taking $5 or $20 out of the till (which I know is still wrong). She took large amounts of money repeatedly over a long period of time. She took advantage of her brother and the family business and that's called extortion for a reason, it's wrong. I say turn her in and let her do her time. Let "Big Bertha" get a hold of her and teach her a lesson." Then I walked away. Just like that, I walked away as if I told them what time it was and nothing more.

As I walked away trying to figure out what the Hell had just happened, I heard IT. They were laughing - I was funny. No big joke there. I had just word-vomited all over the place. Then they began talking about me. No one understood the "Big Bertha" joke. etc etc etc Then it was why I was wrong. How could I turn on family like that? In all honesty, I wouldn't and I couldn't. I don't know that I have it in me. Unless you fuck up first.

If you steal that much money from my family business, essentially my family which thereby affects my ability to care for my family...It's on. For you to do that, you are not acting as a member of my family. You are acting for yourself. Why should I spend...or waste my time protecting you from yourself when all you've been doing is putting my family at risk and in danger for yourself?! Why should I help protect you from the consequences of your actions when you couldn't be bothered to think past yourself to anyone else, especially my children and my family?! Yes, you are my family. Yes, I love you. But that doesn't mean I have a duty to place you above the best interest of everyone else, including yourself. I would be doing a disservice to you if I allowed you to go without consequences. Nope, I don't get it. Apparently, I was alone in this opinion. Then again, I have a few actual years on all of them. Not to mention a few decades worth of life experience years. Plus, my life experience extends past surviving another night of binge drinking and drunk driving home without killing or hurting anyone.

I guess, I just wish I weren't so alone, in everything.

In the end though, I only had to take 3 Ativan to survive the day. Which is very cool. Although to be fair, in previous years I had to put up with Christmas gatherings with Clyde and Bonnie as well. But I'm not factoring that in. It's my life and my blog. So there! (How's that for a mature response?! lol) =)

Hidden

I was checking out some new blogs and I stumbled upon a post over at Becoming Hannah that got me to thinking.....

When I was a child, like 6, 7 or 8'ish years old. I had my own room. As an only child there obviously wasn't anyone to share a room with. So our household remained, myself and my parents, Bonnie and Clyde. Yet, I spent a good majority of my childhood trying desperately to create a "safe haven" within my happy home.

I was never discovered actually in my "safe haven". It was always discovered later. Bonnie would be cleaning and discover it. Then she would completely fall apart and the shrill shrieking would begin. She had the worst fit when she found my setup in the closet. I had meant it as a completely harmless, safe place to hide-away from the world. She assumed I was planning to hide in the closet if we ever had a fire. Because obviously as a 6+ year old child I had that all planned out.

The safe haven behind my bed was especially unacceptable (never mind being completely and horribly useless but I was running out of places at that point) because it did not allow my bed to sit all the way back in the corner properly. "What would people think?!" (Who was she planning on showing my room? Or inviting into my room? ???)

I loved the setup I had created under Clyde's desk, which was huge and old. It had a little shelf where you put your feet when you're sitting at the desk, which I of course felt was a sign from the heavens that this spot was meant for me. He of course had other thoughts about the area under his desk. So after hours and hours of work - including spider removal (and I have a horrible case of arachnophobia). I had to dismantle it all as soon as he came home from work. Bonnie had narked me out.

The one thing I still can't figure out, even to this day, is why? Why when I was an only child did I even feel the need for a "safe haven" or a "safe place" or a "hide-away"? I had my own room. What was out there that I clearly don't remember now but I needed so desperately to get away from then?