Six Word Saturday #4

Traded my Wii for a Netbook. =)

Cookie Monster and his sister, Elizabeth, bought a Wii for me for Christmas thinking it would help with my Fibro. They also bought Wii Fit Plus with the Wii Fit Board thingie. Elizabeth is about to graduate with her Masters in Physical Therapy so she's all about trying to find ways to A) get me moving a little more and B) help me with my pain without making it worse. Well, the Wii was definitely A and in no way, shape or form B. So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for this! 

Isn't she beautiful? =)

Saturday 9: #5 When We Was Fab

 

Saturday 9: When We Was Fab

1. Is there a blog as far as its appearance goes that you think is the most fabulous?

2. Do you like the look and the contents of your blogs? My blog is okay. I can't seem to get it "just right". There's still something missing. I just wish I could figure out what it was.

3. Have you ever thought what would happen to your blog in case you died? I can't say that I have. Although I will now. Thanks for that, Sam!

4. Has any particular blogger had a great impact on how you set up and write your blog? Jennifer over at BPD in OKC has had a great impact on the fact that I try to be as open and honest as possible. Many blogs have had an impact on the set up of my blog. Mainly because I "steal" things from blogs as I see them and try them out. If I like them, they stay. If I don't like them, I pitch 'em. As far as writing goes, I only know how to write like me. I tried to write a paper for a girl in high school once and make it sound more like her and less like me. I failed miserablly. She was busted and failed. The teacher later told me that she knew I had written it but couldn't prove it. She just knew my writing style well enough to know it was me. Oy. So I write what I know, me.

5. Would you want a fellow blogger to give you suggestions or criticism of what you write? Sure! Suggest. Critize. Whatever. The point of my blog is to release my demons but if I can help others while helping myself, great. And if someone else can help me become more effective in helping others through my writing etc, who am I to turn that help away? That would be foolish.

6. Is the number of visitors each day to your blog important to you? I'm not narcisstic by nature; however, the number of visitors I get each day is a nice little boost to my self esteem. I'm not going to lie, it's nice. So my life doesn't revolve around that number but it's nice to feel loved, ya know?

7. What percentage of your readers do you think actual comment? Not very many. Which stinks because I love get readers and comments alike.

8. Do you have a favorite blogger who does the memes that you participate in? Jennifer over at BPD in OKC does a few of them. I tend to do a lot of them because with the Cookies life gets pretty crazy, especially with all the appointments, so sometimes it's easiest to get my weekly purge out with the help of the Saturday 9 or the Friday Fill-In or Wednesday Wishcasting.

9. How often do you update your blog/site and why? I try to update without the help of a meme at least once a week. That doesn't always happen, of course. But I try.

Friday Fill-In #3

1. The lesson I learned yesterday was while I fought my ex and his family for the past decade to protect myself and my family from my ex what we won...was a lifetime of battles with Oatmeal Raisin. Battles that are the war each and every time. Battles that if lost, so is Oatmeal Raisin - maybe not physically anymore but mentally, physically or emotionally. I almost wish I'd lost.
2. Home where friends and family meet.
3. All these years I've fought and now I wonder if he'd have been better off had I given up.
4. The party started when I arrived. (Yeah, baby! lol)
5. The truth is I don't like large groups of people or parties.
6. Nothing is what I remember most from that day. Mainly because I try not to think about any of it too much.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching a weeks worth of recorded shows with Cookie Monster, tomorrow my plans include seeing my therapist and cleaning (woo hoo) and Sunday, I want to maybe visit the in-laws and prepare for another week of appointments with specialists and testing for Oatmeal Raisin and Snickerdoodle!

Sunday Stealing #2: Obsessions

Instructions: Answer the Current Obession category and then explain WHY you chose that response. Easy enough? Thanks as always for playing!

Sunday Stealing: The Current Obsessions Meme

Book: the House of Night series, the Twilight series and the Harry Potter series ~ For the past 7 years I've read the Harry Potter series over and over again. Then for my 29th Jennie and Elle. So then I was reading the Twilight series repeatedly. Then while Christmas shopping with Alex I came across these books at Best Buy (of all places!) that just sort of sucked me in. I tried to ignore them because we were buying for the kids but I could only ignore them for so long. Then Alex was kind enough to buy the first 4 books in the series (there are 6 or 7 total in the series) and now I'm hooked. What can I say, I've got a weak spot for the paranormal. =)

Snack: Chocolate peanut butter ~ Alex shared this little discovery with me. It is amazing! I've been a huge fan of Nutella since I was about 11 or 12 but this is so different. It's kind of like a big group of Reese Peanut Butter Cups all mushed up and sold as Peanut Butter. Nothing short of amazing.

Restaurant: Fast food: SubWay Breakfast: IHOP Lunch: Panera Linner/Dinner: Applebees Hanging out/Munchies: Denny's ~ That's the complete list for any mood and/or occassion.

Beverage: Coke Cola ~ Hands down, with everything I drink Coke. It used to be Dr. Pepper and then it started to taste funny. Now it's Coke. It's always been Coke ever since I was a little kid. My mood will change for a while and I'll drink something else (like Dr. Pepper) for a little while but I always come back to Coke. I never ever drink straight Pepsi though - a Pepsi product like Dr. Pepper sure but never Pepsi, it's nasty.

Decor: No, thanks. ~ Surprisingly enough, as artsy as I am I'm really not that into decorating. That's Alex's thing. He decorates. I get to add some input, especially about paint colors and stuff like that, and we're all happier for it.

Actor: Vincent D'Onfrio ~ Yes, I've listed him before in other memes but he's just so yummy he's worth listing again. He's also looking hot and yummy to the left (to the left). =) Of course, Christopher Meloni (Law & Order: SVU - hot and hunky to the right) is pretty darn yummy all on his own too. Yes, I do have a thing for my Law & Order men. =)

Actress: Kate Hudson ~ I just think she's adorable. If I could scoop her up, put her in my pocket and feed her M&M's - I would. But I can't. That doesn't change the fact that I just love her and her work. "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" is one of my all time favorite movies, in fact.

Movie: Syfy's Alice ~ I've always been a huge fan of the books and the old school movies, especially the made of TV version from the early 80's. I recorded this version unsure if I would even like their take on the cherished tale. I don't like it. I LOVE IT!!!!! I cannot wait for it to come out on DVD and BlueRay so I can own it! I want to watch Hatter and Alice get together over and over again in the last 5 minutes of the movie. I just lurve this movie!!!!!!

TV show: iCarly ~ Yes, I'm aware that it's a kids' show on a kids' channel. Yes, I'm aware that I am very much not a kid. Do I care? Not particularly. I am currently hopelessly addicted to this show. It's my television "brain candy". It's cute and funny. The characters are witty and endearing. I even managed to get Alex hooked. (lol) And on Monday, January 18th Carly and Freddie will finally get together! I am so stinking excited I can't even tell you!!!!!!!

Hobby: Blogging ~ When I have more time on my hands I love to scrapbook, make greeting cards, draw, paint, and keep up with the Boys baby books (they each have 2). Right now, the easiest and most enjoyable hobby I have is blogging. I love setting up my blog. (I can't seem to get this setup quite right but I can't figure out what I don't like about it either.) I love the blogging process. I especially love making friends and connecting with others.

Band: The Beatles ~ They will always be my #1 band. Period.

Song: Mylie Cyrus's "The Climb" ~ Right now, this song really fits me and where I'm at in life. So it's my favorite. Tomorrow that may change, who knows. 

Meme: I love them all. ~ Although I must say that the people who participate in the Wednesday Wishcasting meme are really cool. But I love all my Meme Friends and all the memes I participate in, otherwise I wouldn't do them.

Blog: BPDinOKC ~ Jennifer's blog is what inspired me to start this blog. I love her honesty and how courageous she is to be so honest about what she's been through and how she feels.

Lover: Alex ~ I love him. And I'm rather attached to him after all these years. Plus since I'm into the whole monogamy thing, he's the only lover I want...well, the only one I'm ever going to want, really.

Friend: My older sister: Pruney, and one of my best friends (who's hubby is stationed in FL): Sassy ~ Both of these fine ladies have been super supportive of me during some of the darkest times of my life over the past few years. (I haven't known them my who life - either one of them, which is a long story.)

Quote: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." ~ At least that's what I used to believe and live by, before. Before I was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder that nothing helps. Before working to make the "suffering optional" became a trigger to make the pain just that much worse and oh so not worth it. I still love the quote and live by it when possible. I just recognize that it isn't always possible.

Peeve: Ignorance ~ I can't stand ignorant people. It drives me crazy. There isn't an excuse for ignorance, for one thing. If you don't know about something, go look it up. Between the library and the internet, there truly isn't an excuse not to know.

Sport: To play: Gymnastics (once upon a time) To watch: Gymnastics & Volleyball ~ I was involved in gymnastics for 8 years. It was some of the best years of my life. My teammates were cool. The meets were nice. But I loved the sport most of all. I loved the feeling of "flying" when I would do my fly-away dismount on the bars. I've never felt as graceful as I did performing my routine on the beam. Gymnastics just seemed to complete a part of me. Until I blew out my left knee during my floor routine at a meet, then I was done. My knee is still messed up. I need to have knee replacement surgery on both knees at some point in the future. But those 8 years were definitely worth it.

Singer: Christina Aguilera ~ I love her music. Especially her songs on her "Stripped" album, they just speak to me. A lot of them feel like they were written for me or about me. It uncanny. I've loved her music since she first came out and "Genie in a Bottle" used to calm AJ down because it was popular when I was pregnant with him so once he was born it was comforting to him. Now she's a source of inspiration for me.

Friday Fill-In #2

  1. There are places within my soul, even I don't know what secrets are hidden there.
2. The winds of change will blow those clouds away.
3. Standing in the ocean of pain, trying to survive the salt water in my open wounds.
4. Boy. Oh boy. Oh friggin' oh boy.
5. He went out tiger hunting and came home with a hephalump.
6. I wish more than anything that I could stop my mind from wandering.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not being narcoleptic and correcting some blog posts while watching "our shows" with tAlex, tomorrow my plans include double checking my blogs and participating in the Friday Fill-In (a day late) 6 Word Saturday and Saturday 9 and Sunday, I want to participate in the Sunday Stealing meme and hopefully I'll reach the end of the firbo flare from hell!

Six Word Saturday #3

Freezing snow outside, SweetPea won't poop!

It's been hoovering around 0 degrees and below around my neck of the woods this week. Between the temps and the snow and ice combo outside, SweetPea will not poop outside! Period. He refuses. I can take him outside. Freeze my butt off. Watch him freeze and shiver to the point where he appears to be having full-body seizures while he attempts to walk/hop through 4-8 inches of snow. His body is ready to poop. He starts to poop...then he sucks it back in his body! So of course, once he's back in the house and warm...he poops.

I can't wait for slightly warmer weather.

Saturday 9: #4 Call Me

Saturday 9: Call Me

1. Who is someone that phones you routinely that you never seem to be up to talk to, but you are not ready to push them out of your life? This person used to be Bonnie. She would call and spew her drama and useless Yahoo.com "medical diagnosis" at me while she denied my real world from a medical doctor diagnosis. She would refuse to follow AJ's rules and guidelines. Tell him I abused him. And generally just cause me stress and unwanted drama, as of September/October 2009 she has been *pushed*. Now I am drama-free...at least Bonnie-drama-free anyway.

2. What is something that effects you deeply, to your core, no matter your mood or what else is going on in your life? AJ. No matter what kind of day I am having. No matter how good or how bad. He has the power to kill it in one fowl swoop. Likewise (but very very very rarely) he has the power to make my day when all is right with the world and the stars in the heavens align.

3. Tell us of something that relaxes you and always makes you happy. A massage from an actual massage therapist who is skilled in giving massages to Fibro patients. *ah heaven*

4. If you could take the train from anywhere to anywhere, where would 'anywhere' be? Anywhere = Ireland (always)

5. If you could look into the future, how far down the road would you like to see? 10 years? 100 years? A million? 10 years - I need to know that we are going to be okay. That Alex and I are going to find a way to make it through. That Wyatt and Cooper are going to come through to the other side unscathed by everything AJ has going on. That all 3 of them are going to come through to the other side unscathed by everything I have going on in my head and everything I'm trying to work through.

6. Did you do your shopping online for this Christmas, how did it go? Did things come in on time? Any significant failures? ...and if you didn't, will you consider trying online shopping sometime this year? I shop online every once in a great while. Usually only from Amazon.com and usually only if I have a gift certificate.

7. What people or projects are worth your time, money or effort? People: Friends and family are always worth my time, money and effort. I will go to the ends of the Earth for them. Projects: I have adult ADHD so I tend to start projects that don't get finished. If it's for someone, it's worth it. If I really like it, it's worth it. If it's just plain interesting enough to hold my attention for more than five seconds, it's worth it.

8. Think back when you were in high school. Are you proud of the way you dressed, or do you wish you could go back and change it all? I'm proud of the way I dressed. I was true to myself, which is all I wanted out of me and the high school experience.

9. Do any of your friends, family or co-workers know about your blogs? For those that do, did you tell them or have they stumbled upon it by themselves? Alex knows about my blog. Sassy, one of my nearest and dearest friends also knows about my blog. Aside from them a few people I seem to have picked up along the way know about it but that's it.

Wednesday Wishcasting #1: What dream do you wish to explore?

What dream do you wish to explore?

I wish I could find the courage to write my first book.

As it stands right now, I can't even seem to find the courage to get inspired to start my first book. Let alone write it from start to finish. I am absolutely terrified that I will fail miserably, which is completely unacceptable because all I've wanted my entire life was to be a published author. I can't be published if I don't write the book first. I just wish I could write the book first.

If you think the Wednesday Wishcasting looks like fun or just a nice change of pace drop by at the Jamie Ridler Studio and join in the fun. =)

Confusing English Language

Okay, so the more posts I write the more I'm finding that the children creep in far more than I had initially planned. I had thought that this blog would be primarily about me, my PTSD, my BPD, and how I got them. I knew some present day stuff would come up but I didn't expect it to be so much that the children would need actual names. Then my husband decided, admitedly with some prodding from yours truly, to start his own blog. If I point it out to you, you will know the children's names anyway and my letters as names is useless. Plus, A is really confusing. What with it being an actual word in the English language. So the Cookie Monster can call the boys by their first names - I'm not pointing his blog out to you. But I have decided to give the boys names here. So here they are:

R = Alex
A = AJ
B = Wyatt
C = Cooper

There problem solved. Although you still won't get to see pictures of any of us - ever. I'm standing firm on that one. I am going to share pictures of my beloved fur babies though. Oh and my art. So at least my blog won't be completely picture free, right? =)

Saturday 9: You Shook Me

 Saturday 9: You Shook Me

1. What celebrity would you just want to shake some sense into? Jenny McCarthy (see #6 for more info)

2. What do you think comes after death? I think the Afterlife comes after death. I hope that part of my Heaven is my Granny's farm where I grew up as a kid. I loved it there and I know that I could find some peace.

3. What is the first book that you can remember reading by yourself as a child? I don't remember the title. It was about a kitten and her mother. They go shopping and the kitten finds a doll that she falls in love with and has to have.

4. What was the first rock concert that you attended? This is where my nerdiness shows through...I've yet to attend a rock or music concert of any kind. Although Alex took me to see Bill Engvall a few summers ago. He's hilarious. But no music for me. =(

5. If you were to suddenly become famous, would you choose a stage name? If yes, what would it be? I have a nome de plume (however that's spelled) all picked out if I ever get the guts to write a book and then submit it to a publisher. Does that count?

6. What is the one thing that you wish the media would stop talking about? Sadly enough I am not up-to-date on my current events so I don't really have one to complain about. What I could stand to never hear about again though are these celebrity parents, like Jenny McCarthy, who are telling the rest of us "everyday parents" that we can cure our Autistic child(ren). That just gets my panties all in a major bunch.

7. If you could be part of any band, which one would it be and who would you be and why? Rascal Flatts. I would just be myself though and since myself can't carry a tune in a bucket I would do just about any and all other creative job they asked of me. Because creative things I can definitely do.

8. Do you live close to your immediate family members? If not, how far away are they? My sister lives 3 doors down. My Mom lives less than 5 minutes away, depending on traffic. My one sister lives across the street. And my in-laws live less than 10 minutes away, again depending on traffic. So yeah, we all live pretty close together. I like it that way. It helps in Emergencies. Its great for snow days to have my sister, 2 nephews and a niece just 3 doors down.

9. Last seasonal question (promise): What did you do on New Year's Eve? I fell asleep at 8:30 pm with Cooper. Leaving poor Alex alone with Miss Sue and Zeus and the Wii. Oh what a party animal I am.

Sunday Stealing #1: What If

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? My ex-husband, MN, hands down without question. If I'm lucky he'll be standing close to his mother (whom I also hate - with good reason {beyond her being my ex-mother-in-law} she was a big part of the terror and abuse I suffered during my first marriage) when I blow him up so I can kill two psychopaths/sociopaths with one button.


2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Fergie. I cannot stand her. I don't know why but there's just something about her that grates on my nerves. Her music will disappear from existance too, right?


3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Depending on the day of the week, my big sister, Angel. She does big sister things that just drive me batty and sometimes I'd love nothing more than to knock her out. Except I can't punch for crap so there really isn't any point.


4. What is your favorite cheese? I like them all. I don't think I've met one yet that I didn't like. Oh! Brie! Brie is my favorite with all other cheeses as a close second.


5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? Either a Philly cheese steak - the way Steak Escape makes them. (Not the way they actually make them in Philly. Sorry PA peeps.) Or an Italian BMT at SubWay. Which ever one I'm eating, I can promise that it's all but drowning in black olives and banana peppers. Damnit, now I'm craving SubWay!

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? I've been thinking about this since last night. My OCD compelling me to pick the "perfect" guy. (Huh? Again with my use of the word "perfect". Kind of makes you think, huh?) Then it hit me...Vincent D'Onfrio. *sigh*

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? I had to think about this one too. I mean these are important decisions - I only get one night! So I finally decided that Brad Paisley is the man. Yum.

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? Art supplies. Things for SweetPea because he really doesn't have anything yet. Whatever looked fun at the Dollar General.


9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Ireland

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? Eat - I'm having all this sex and going shopping and whatnot but there hasn't been any eating!!! I should hope after Vincent and Brad - not even taking the shopping and jet-setting hither and yon into account - I'm probably starving! Then after I eat, I'll shop! =)

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…? I don't believe an angel would offer me alcohol. But I would gladly accept the lifetime supply of Coke she offers me. Everyone knows caffeine is far more important than alcohol anyway.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? I would go to Summer 1998 and explain everything that will be lost etc if I go through with my "Save MN" plan. I would shake my 17/18 year old self and explain that he can't be saved because he is a complete sociopath, as is his mother.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? My first rule is: This is my island; GET OFF! I would only allow my friends and family on the island. I have no interest in building my own society so I'm not going to; at least not with strangers and such. My friends and family will have to learn to work together in order for us to survive but that's as close to a society as we will ever get.


14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise? It would probably be a reality television show. I just like to watch television though not create it so I would let someone else have this honor. Then I would just enjoy their creation.


15.What is your favorite curse word? Fuck


16.One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? First I scream, "What the fuck?!" (See? I told you it was my favorite word. lol) Then I try and find a way to get rid of them so I can go back to sleep.


17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item? I don't know that I could choose just one. But since I have to, I would probably grab our extra/backup harddrive because it has nearly all of our pictures from the past decade on it. So at least we would still have those.


18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? I would enjoy one last meal with my nearest and dearest. Have you noticed how a lot of my stuff revolves around food? lol Its a family trait. If there is food somehow involved, we will suffer through just about any situation. =)


19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be? Invisibility. I'd give just about anything to disappear right now.


20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? As crazy as this will sound, the half hour right before I got married to my first husband, MN. Simply because I remember my Granny helping me to get ready and I remember having my picture taken with her. I miss her like crazy so I would relive that half hour.


21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? My entire abusive and terrifying relationship/marriage to MN. Except for the half hour in #20. How that one half-hour would make any sense at all without the rest of the time/memories to go along with it, I don't know. But these are my imaginary answers and I can do what I want to with them. ;)


22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now? Ireland. (And let's be honest here, they are just jealous that I'm doing everything they've always either A) wanted to do... B) wished about... C) seriously considered... Or D) had all set up but chickened out of.) Judgmental pricks!


23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? I'm good with being banned from all the bars in the world...you know, since I don't drink alcohol and all. Well, I guess you don't know that about me yet. I don't drink alcohol. I quit except for special occasions when I was married to MN because of the effect it was having on our lives and family. Then when I was put on Zoloft and nursing Cooper in 2008 I just gave it up altogether. Now that I'm on a whole slew of meds for Fibromyalgia that forbid me to drink rather than the strongly worded "you really shouldn't drink but whatever" warning; I just quit entirely. So yeah, I don't drink alcohol. But I drink Coke like its water and going out of style. =)


24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like “Dude, check it out…I can FLOAT!”? My sisters, which includes my actual sister, Angel, and my sisters-in-law; Jennie, Elle and Becca. Oh, and Barbie, too. After all, she's nearly a sister.


25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? John Lennon. Then I would get him a restraining order to protect him from suffering any further damage of being around Yoko. Although I'm thinking a stronger political leader may have been a better choice. * shrug*


26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My Granny. She was my mother for all intents and purposes. Even though I had a "mother", she was...shall we say less than effective and less than emotionally plugged-in. I miss my Granny more than words could ever possibly express. She passed away in her sleep very suddenly in May 2002 and I changed forever on that day. To have her back...would mean so much to me.


27. What’s your theme song? I don't have a theme song but I'm slowly putting together a soundtrack over time. Someday, after I've dug out my purple folder that holds the lyrics to all the songs of my rather lengthy sound track from whatever blackhole it seems to have fallen into I'll have to post it up here.

Six Word Saturday #2

Resolution? Open closets.

Release my skeletons.

The Others

N - childhood sexual assaultant
Dani - childhood sexual assaultant
Bonnie - adoptive mother* 
Clyde - adoptive father *
Michael - stalker #1
MD - summer camp teen boyfriend (date sexual assault)
J - high school teen boyfriend (sodomized/sexual abuse)
NM - young adult stalker #2 turned boyfriend turned husband #1 (sexual assault, psychological abuse, domestic violence)
Freak Therapist - stalker #3
Boundary Breaker Therapist
Unknown Assaultant - (sexual abuse)*

(Not a complete list...its still a work in progress since my memory has so many holes in it. Plus the more stressed I am, the less likely I am to remember very much. Call it my brain's self-defense. I intend to discuss each of these at some point. The stars indicate Others who have more info than the average story.)

*more info to come

Goodbye, 2009! Hello, 2010!

Wow. 2009 went out with a *Bam*. And so far all 22 hours of 2010 have been...well, pretty shitty.

Things have been pretty quiet around here for the past 2 weeks or so. Although the tension has been steadily building because all 5 of us (not counting the animals) have been together all day, everyday. Whatever level of tension comes after "it was so thick you could cut it with a knife", that's what we're living in right now. It sucks. AJ returns to school on Monday, hopefully that will give us some relief. I also need to register Wyatt in Head Start/Pre-School on Monday. As soon as he starts that will hopefully grant us another break, and things should lighten up a bit more. Right now though, I'm worried we are all ready to kill each other.

Wyatt is almost 4 years old with the endless energy that comes with that. With 4 inches of snow and sub-zero temps, there isn't an outlet outside for that energy. So he runs. Jumps. Slides. "Flies". Flings himself off of things. In the quest for "gettin the wiggles out Ma"! At the end of any given day though, its enough to make me want to throw in the towel curl up into the fetal position and sob like a baby. If pre-school doesn't help, I sincerely don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so over-whelmed with other life shit that the everyday grumpy, obstinate 3 year old child shit is just threatening to shove my ass straight over the edge. "I'm a donkey on the edge!"

Seriously here people, I'm crazy. I know this. People have been forcing this label upon me since I was in junior high school. I heard, "You are crazy! Seriously, your parents should have you locked away some where." I was upset then but now, as an adult, I am able to accept myself for what I am - crazy. Therefore I accept the label as well. However, there are periods of time when it doesn't occur to me that I have mental illness. I actually manage to forget that I have ADHD or PTSD or even BPD. Life just goes on as usual and I forget. When I remember...when I'm brought crashing back down to Earth from my place in the clouds, I always find it odd the things that remind me and bring me crashing down.

For instance, I have been in a fairly constant state of flux for the past decade - from 02/14/2001 - 12/28/2009. Then Tuesday Dec 28th, I'm napping with Cooper and things are peaceful when my phone rang; I slept through it. It was my attorney. He called Alex when he couldn't reach me. My life was about to be flipped upside for the better and yet it would still leave me flailing .

Here's some background info for you....

Long story, as short as humanly possible: My ex-husband and his mother filed a contempt motion against me in Fall 2005 because I wouldn't give them what they wanted. The Family Court Judge who finalized my divorce found me in contempt against the evidence. I was sentenced to 30 days in jail. Then I was given a chance to "purge myself" and avoid jail by giving my ex what he wanted - unsupervised access to my son. I refused, which earned me another 30 days in jail - now I've got 60 days in jail. I filed an appeal with the district courts. Tuesday Dec 28th, the Appeals Court ruled IN MY FAVOR. They over-turned the contempt charged AND my 60 days of jail time. This was good news.

Right? Maybe.....It should have been. But I am used to the constant state of flux. I'm used to waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm used to my ex and his mother filing stupid motions against me. I'm used to being abused and harassed by these people. I've never, in the past decade, ever lived without these things. I don't remember how. This has had a more profound effect upon my life than I had anticipated.

Then Alex surprised me with a puppy! Not.just.any.puppy. My "perfect" puppy. I have always wanted either a Mini Pinscher (to the left) or a Teacup Chi (to the right in the well, tea cup). Zeus isn't either of those but he's better and still absolutely perfect in each and every way.

Zeus is a 2lb Chi-Pom mix. He looks just like a Pom only smaller. He's a snuggler. Loves to play with Miss Sue even if she has a 68lb weight difference. He's great with the boys but not sure about Sneezey yet. He's just so sweet and fluffy. He isn't housebroken yet but we're working on it. Besides I honestly can't say that I blame him at this point, its COLD out there. When he goes out there to pee he shivers so violently he looks like he's having seizures. And his name fits perfectly (which is apparently the word of the day) because while he only weighs 2lbs he seems to believe that he is at least as big as Miss Sue.

It took me 4 days to pick a name too! The woman before me named him 'Mocha' but that's too sweet for my tastes. Plus my nephew already has a dog by that name and that just seems wrong to me. Then I named him 'Miller'. After that it was 'Zeus' but I changed my mind. Then I liked 'Pixel', 'Ozzy', and 'Smith'. Alex wanted 'Rico' after the penguin in 'The Penguins of Madagascar'. He's also the one who came up with 'Zeus'. In the end, I had to run out and pick-up our NYE dinner and my meds. When I got home Snickerdoodle came out to help me with the bags and Zeus snuck out after him. When I saw him, the first name to come to mind was 'Zeus' so I knew that's what his name was supposed to be. That was 24 hours ago and he already answers to it so I must be right. =)

So life is chugging right along. Christmas break is almost over. The closer we get to the end, the worse my mood, which doesn't make sense. I'm not one of *those* moms who sincerely enjoys and/or wants her children home from school on break all the time. I'm one of the moms who begins the countdown for back-to-school as soon as the last day of school ends. Assuming we all survive, AJ will return to school on Monday Jan 4th.

And this ended up being a giant rambling post about nothing. Fantastic.

Saturday 9: #2 Sam's Last Stand of 2009

Saturday 9: Sam's Last Stand of 2009

1. What did you think of 2009? I can't believe it's over. It feels like it just started and yet here we are...about to start over again.

2. What do you think was the news story of the year? I would like to say that it's something scientific and/or meaningful to the world at large; however, it's likely going to be the fact that Michael Jackson died. That's not the news story of the year for me but I can't think of anything else right now...so it'll do.

3. What happened this year that you never want to hear another word about?  I don't remember. See? I've already forgotten. Hopefully everyone else involved has forgotten by now too.

4. What was your favorite song of 2009? Okay, this is going to sound...crazy but it would have to be Mylie Cyrus' "The Climb". It just fits me the best right now, which is how I judge most songs anymore.

5. What did you accomplish this year? I started seeing a pain management doctor for my Fibromyalgia, which is huge. I found a medication which helps with my Fibromyalgia. I stood up for myself with a bad therapist and with the help of AJ's therapist I found a new one. I cut off contact with Bonnie and Clyde (long story which will amount to an even longer post - it's coming down the line I promise) and their crazy counterparts. Those are the biggies.

6. Did you learn anything new this year? I learned I'm stronger than I thought when it comes to dealing with others.

7. What are you looking forward to in the new year? Change - my change not President Obama's.

8. What are your plans for New Year's Eve? Stay home and hang-out with Alex while AJ, Wyatt and Cooper sleep.

9. What's the best thing you ever did on a New Year's Eve? Stay home and hang-out with Alex while AJ, Wyatt and Cooper sleep.

Six Word Saturday #1 ~ The extended explanation

Granted, I spent most of yesterday in the kitchen with the Alex's Uncle while he finished up linner (not really lunch but not really dinner either) because every time I tried to spend time with the family I ended up with my foot in my mouth. It could have been the Ativan, although I've never had this problem before. I would open my mouth and words would just basically word-vomit out without any inclination from me that:

A) they were coming
and
B) what the Hell they were.

It was bad. At one point, I looked at my siblings-in-law while they jokingly fought over which of us would pick up Mom B from work if Dad B wasn't home from taking Great Grandma B, Great Aunt and Great Uncle home. I walked up in the middle of the conversation and when invited to join said, "Well, if y'all must drink and will be too drunk and lazy to get up and go get her...then I suppose that just leaves me or the Alex. Now doesn't it?" Yeah, not my best move ever. I mean they all know I don't approve of their excessive drinking, underage drinking, and drinking and driving. But I've never been so...out and out rude about it before - at least not to their faces! (Only when venting to the Alex or Angel, my sister.) I didn't even know I had the thought in my head at the time! They invited me to join the conversation, I opened my mouth and *BAM*.

Earlier in the day at breakfast we were talking about this small family business that the Alex's sister, Jennie, works for. Her boss recently found out that his sister was stealing from the business, so he went to fire her but she quit first. So Jennie asks us, "If you were my boss and that were your sister, what would you do?" And again, I open my mouth and word-vomit all over the place. I have no idea what is about to come out of my mouth because it's not in my head first. However, it's now out there for all the family to hear and look at me as if, once again, I'm the crazy one. Oh and if you were curious, my answer was, "Turn her in. It's not like she was caught taking $5 or $20 out of the till (which I know is still wrong). She took large amounts of money repeatedly over a long period of time. She took advantage of her brother and the family business and that's called extortion for a reason, it's wrong. I say turn her in and let her do her time. Let "Big Bertha" get a hold of her and teach her a lesson." Then I walked away. Just like that, I walked away as if I told them what time it was and nothing more.

As I walked away trying to figure out what the Hell had just happened, I heard IT. They were laughing - I was funny. No big joke there. I had just word-vomited all over the place. Then they began talking about me. No one understood the "Big Bertha" joke. etc etc etc Then it was why I was wrong. How could I turn on family like that? In all honesty, I wouldn't and I couldn't. I don't know that I have it in me. Unless you fuck up first.

If you steal that much money from my family business, essentially my family which thereby affects my ability to care for my family...It's on. For you to do that, you are not acting as a member of my family. You are acting for yourself. Why should I spend...or waste my time protecting you from yourself when all you've been doing is putting my family at risk and in danger for yourself?! Why should I help protect you from the consequences of your actions when you couldn't be bothered to think past yourself to anyone else, especially my children and my family?! Yes, you are my family. Yes, I love you. But that doesn't mean I have a duty to place you above the best interest of everyone else, including yourself. I would be doing a disservice to you if I allowed you to go without consequences. Nope, I don't get it. Apparently, I was alone in this opinion. Then again, I have a few actual years on all of them. Not to mention a few decades worth of life experience years. Plus, my life experience extends past surviving another night of binge drinking and drunk driving home without killing or hurting anyone.

I guess, I just wish I weren't so alone, in everything.

In the end though, I only had to take 3 Ativan to survive the day. Which is very cool. Although to be fair, in previous years I had to put up with Christmas gatherings with Clyde and Bonnie as well. But I'm not factoring that in. It's my life and my blog. So there! (How's that for a mature response?! lol) =)

Six Word Saturday #1

I survived Christmas with 3 Ativan!

That's right folks, you read it here first. My "goal" here was to survive the holidays with only 2-3 Ativan rather than 5+. Since I consider "the holidays" to mean family get-togethers, all of which were yesterday, and I survived those get-togethers yesterday with only 3 Ativan - I DID IT! =)

Hidden

I was checking out some new blogs and I stumbled upon a post over at Becoming Hannah that got me to thinking.....

When I was a child, like 6, 7 or 8'ish years old. I had my own room. As an only child there obviously wasn't anyone to share a room with. So our household remained, myself and my parents, Bonnie and Clyde. Yet, I spent a good majority of my childhood trying desperately to create a "safe haven" within my happy home.

I was never discovered actually in my "safe haven". It was always discovered later. Bonnie would be cleaning and discover it. Then she would completely fall apart and the shrill shrieking would begin. She had the worst fit when she found my setup in the closet. I had meant it as a completely harmless, safe place to hide-away from the world. She assumed I was planning to hide in the closet if we ever had a fire. Because obviously as a 6+ year old child I had that all planned out.

The safe haven behind my bed was especially unacceptable (never mind being completely and horribly useless but I was running out of places at that point) because it did not allow my bed to sit all the way back in the corner properly. "What would people think?!" (Who was she planning on showing my room? Or inviting into my room? ???)

I loved the setup I had created under Clyde's desk, which was huge and old. It had a little shelf where you put your feet when you're sitting at the desk, which I of course felt was a sign from the heavens that this spot was meant for me. He of course had other thoughts about the area under his desk. So after hours and hours of work - including spider removal (and I have a horrible case of arachnophobia). I had to dismantle it all as soon as he came home from work. Bonnie had narked me out.

The one thing I still can't figure out, even to this day, is why? Why when I was an only child did I even feel the need for a "safe haven" or a "safe place" or a "hide-away"? I had my own room. What was out there that I clearly don't remember now but I needed so desperately to get away from then?

Friday Fill-In #1

1. No, I will NOT keep your secrets any longer!

2. Everything was normal yesterday at the old kitchen table.

3. I watched the steam rising from the hot cup of coffee (or tea) and thought: it smells so good, I just wish it tasted that good.

4. Nothing is going to be okay until I can purge this nastiness and heal those wounds.

5. I'll take my old life back compared to this bullshit monstrosity I was just handed.

6. Fuck this shit, it sucks eggs at least from my point of view.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to working on Christmas gifts for AJ, Wyatt and Cooper; tomorrow my plans include working on Christmas some more; and Sunday, I want to try and forget that today ever happened!

Alex just got home from the doctor. It was one of those appointments where we were sure everything was going to be okay. I was just worrying about nothing. Everything isn't okay, right now. I wasn't worrying about nothing. Now we worry. Now we plan an attack for a battle we didn't know was coming against a foe we don't have an identity for.

Saturday 9 ~ #1 Don't Talk to Strangers

 Saturday 9: Don't Talk to Strangers

1. Tell us about a night that you spent with someone who was a stranger, yet by the end of the night you were very close. He wasn't exactly a stranger, persae. I knew him - just not particularly well. We worked together and he went out with everyone to the bars sometimes but not very often. Then one night he showed up at this crazy impromptu party we had. I was tipsy and pretty much completely stoned...yeah, we knew each other pretty well by the end of the night. (Okay, that's about as far from "blunt and honest" as I can get. Let's try this again...) We talked and shared life stories. I don't remember his. Then we made out. He wanted more. I didn't. At least I don't think I did, either way, I passed out on his lap in a Lazy-Boy recliner. He just rocked me to sleep the rest of the night. It was...interesting.

2. When is the last time you rode the bus? One of my last days as a senior in high school. Wow, that feels like ages ago...

3. Describe the last time you stood up for a cause. Stood up as in formal, public protest? Never, unfortunately. Stood up as in one-on-one with another person? Pretty often, actually. I feel the need to speak up about the injustices of the world as I see them, which tends to get me into trouble.

4. What is something you would like to do, but you're afraid of the risk(s)? I would just love to out my adoptive mother for being the self-centered, neglectful, spiteful, abusive, sociopath that she is. Blog about everything I have been through (hopefully I will eventually - other wise this blog is pretty pointless). Stand up to my older sister. The list goes on and on...

5. What would you most like to accomplish before the year is over? Well, considering there are only 11 days left in the year I'm not hoping for anything major. How about completely potty training Wyatt? Or pulling the Holidays off without a major hitch? Surviving the Holidays without any massive panic attacks? Or surviving the Holidays needing only 2-3 Ativan rather than 5+? Those are about as good as it's going to get right now. (And look, I even mentioned one of the kids!) =)

6. Name something you'll miss about 2009. The fact that AJ will never again be 9, Wyatt will never again be 3 and Cooper will never again be 1. They keep growing up. Even though I keep begging them (well, some of them anyway) to stop.

7. If you could invent something, what would it be? Something that would make me rich but still unknown to the universe at large. =)

8. What first got you started blogging? Peer pressure. "All the cool people are doing it." Okay, not that peer pressure exactly but all my friends and some of my family were starting blogs. I needed a Blogger account to comment on a blog I liked and it just went from there.

9. How did you find this meme? From a blog of a blog of a blog. Isn't that how it usually goes? ;)

(Technically, this is the Saturday 9 meme from this past Saturday, December 12th. I happen to love questions and these ones seemed pretty good and some are sort of relevant to the purpose of my blog so I figured...why not do a bit of a time warp? ;)(lol)