Wow. 2009 went out with a *Bam*. And so far all 22 hours of 2010 have been...well, pretty shitty.
Things have been pretty quiet around here for the past 2 weeks or so. Although the tension has been steadily building because all 5 of us (not counting the animals) have been together all day, everyday. Whatever level of tension comes after "it was so thick you could cut it with a knife", that's what we're living in right now. It sucks. AJ returns to school on Monday, hopefully that will give us some relief. I also need to register Wyatt in Head Start/Pre-School on Monday. As soon as he starts that will hopefully grant us another break, and things should lighten up a bit more. Right now though, I'm worried we are all ready to kill each other.
Wyatt is almost 4 years old with the endless energy that comes with that. With 4 inches of snow and sub-zero temps, there isn't an outlet outside for that energy. So he runs. Jumps. Slides. "Flies". Flings himself off of things. In the quest for "gettin the wiggles out Ma"! At the end of any given day though, its enough to make me want to throw in the towel curl up into the fetal position and sob like a baby. If pre-school doesn't help, I sincerely don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so over-whelmed with other life shit that the everyday grumpy, obstinate 3 year old child shit is just threatening to shove my ass straight over the edge. "I'm a donkey on the edge!"
Seriously here people, I'm crazy. I know this. People have been forcing this label upon me since I was in junior high school. I heard, "You are crazy! Seriously, your parents should have you locked away some where." I was upset then but now, as an adult, I am able to accept myself for what I am - crazy. Therefore I accept the label as well. However, there are periods of time when it doesn't occur to me that I have mental illness. I actually manage to forget that I have ADHD or PTSD or even BPD. Life just goes on as usual and I forget. When I remember...when I'm brought crashing back down to Earth from my place in the clouds, I always find it odd the things that remind me and bring me crashing down.
For instance, I have been in a fairly constant state of flux for the past decade - from 02/14/2001 - 12/28/2009. Then Tuesday Dec 28th, I'm napping with Cooper and things are peaceful when my phone rang; I slept through it. It was my attorney. He called Alex when he couldn't reach me. My life was about to be flipped upside for the better and yet it would still leave me flailing .
Here's some background info for you....
Long story, as short as humanly possible: My ex-husband and his mother filed a contempt motion against me in Fall 2005 because I wouldn't give them what they wanted. The Family Court Judge who finalized my divorce found me in contempt againstthe evidence. I was sentenced to 30 days in jail. Then I was given a chance to "purge myself" and avoid jail by giving my ex what he wanted - unsupervised access to my son. I refused, which earned me another 30 days in jail - now I've got 60 days in jail. I filed an appeal with the district courts. Tuesday Dec 28th, the Appeals Court ruled IN MY FAVOR. They over-turned the contempt charged AND my 60 days of jail time. This was good news.
Right? Maybe.....It should have been. But I am used to the constant state of flux. I'm used to waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm used to my ex and his mother filing stupid motions against me. I'm used to being abused and harassed by these people. I've never, in the past decade, ever lived without these things. I don't remember how. This has had a more profound effect upon my life than I had anticipated.
Then Alex surprised me with a puppy! Not.just.any.puppy. My "perfect" puppy. I have always wanted either a Mini Pinscher (to the left) or a Teacup Chi (to the right in the well, tea cup). Zeus isn't either of those but he's better and still absolutely perfect in each and every way.
Zeus is a 2lb Chi-Pom mix. He looks just like a Pom only smaller. He's a snuggler. Loves to play with Miss Sue even if she has a 68lb weight difference. He's great with the boys but not sure about Sneezey yet. He's just so sweet and fluffy. He isn't housebroken yet but we're working on it. Besides I honestly can't say that I blame him at this point, its COLD out there. When he goes out there to pee he shivers so violently he looks like he's having seizures. And his name fits perfectly (which is apparently the word of the day) because while he only weighs 2lbs he seems to believe that he is at least as big as Miss Sue.
It took me 4 days to pick a name too! The woman before me named him 'Mocha' but that's too sweet for my tastes. Plus my nephew already has a dog by that name and that just seems wrong to me. Then I named him 'Miller'. After that it was 'Zeus' but I changed my mind. Then I liked 'Pixel', 'Ozzy', and 'Smith'. Alex wanted 'Rico' after the penguin in 'The Penguins of Madagascar'. He's also the one who came up with 'Zeus'. In the end, I had to run out and pick-up our NYE dinner and my meds. When I got home Snickerdoodle came out to help me with the bags and Zeus snuck out after him. When I saw him, the first name to come to mind was 'Zeus' so I knew that's what his name was supposed to be. That was 24 hours ago and he already answers to it so I must be right. =)
So life is chugging right along. Christmas break is almost over. The closer we get to the end, the worse my mood, which doesn't make sense. I'm not one of *those* moms who sincerely enjoys and/or wants her children home from school on break all the time. I'm one of the moms who begins the countdown for back-to-school as soon as the last day of school ends. Assuming we all survive, AJ will return to school on Monday Jan 4th.
And this ended up being a giant rambling post about nothing. Fantastic.
This blog contains my inner most thoughts on all things in my life, my heart and head. It is my goal to someday purge my soul of all the stains and heal the wounds I've been carrying with me for nearly my entire life.
There will be times when I will discuss triggering topics. If these will be difficult for you, I want you be warned now and not blindsided later.
I am a survivor, or so I'm told. This is where I come to tell my story. Dymphna is not the name given to me by my mother, but it is the name I have taken as my own to use during my "healing". The things I need to share, do not belong in my "real" life at least not now. So I will write them down and leave them here. Someday, perhaps I will share them with my family and friends. That day is not now.